i need to listen more, and to be more humble. because God gave us His love, while we were so undeserving of it. We don't deserve anything, really. what do we give God when He's given us everything? Perhaps we could be a good testimony for Him. God despises the proud but exalts the humble.

it's a weird thing to say but it's very true we feel more happy anyway/

i'm down with flu now, which is bad. it's very bad. my mind's a-floating. It seems that somehow it's unable to think logically and concretely anymore, which is, probably, a bad thing. Ah well. Saturday was really nice because it was ACSI's founder's day after all and I went back to collect an 'award' for 6a1s which would be worth pittance in RI, perhaps, but Dr Ong was generous. it was a nice occasion seeing my old classmates again in sort of a 'reunion' and meeting the people that matter to me so much, and with whom I've actually had some sort of bond and real understanding, and a sense of warmth, that sadly is lost in the strands of time. Not only that, they are the people that have been present in the happy memories of the past of the secondary school life that was rather blissful, where life was a whirlpool. It is so nice. and the pathways of the corridors, and the canteen with the food and all and sitting down there cafe style talking about life.
The good old days are gone now where perhaps we were more innocent. It was nice. Like Sarah Mclachlan sings, 'We are still, innocent'. Where did it go? It was nice, really. It was so nice. it was still thinking the world as your oyster and you could do anything and the Lord would be with you and there was true love and warmth. Perhaps there was a bit of conflict too, as was inevitable, but it was overall a nice memory. You know? Perhaps we filter it out of our consciousness but seriously what's a few moments of disagreement for so many more memories of friendship?
Shaking Tharman's hand was really not a highlight at all, since it was so routine and all. Yet chapel was what I really missed about ACS. To sing 'God of the ages', and 'Be thou my vision', which elicited in me a response of nostalgia even more. To hear the speeches, though Drong's message was something I was quite happy to miss, it was real routine, the rituals of life, that make it wonderful. It was comforting, nevertheless.
And when we sang 'Sing ACS, forevermore, Our ACS forever', the whole auditorium was filled with that sense of togetherness and unity that somehow will never be in Raffles, nor would I ever think it will be. 'God Save our land and Heaven blesS! Our ACS forever!' it has to do, I guess, with a common spirit, and that's what makes people love the school so much. It was just. sublime.

Oh i loved the reception actually. it's not so often you get good sushi during free receptions along with pancakes, noodles, usual foodstuff, and a real nice apple slice that got me juices going. soccer was also rather fun, especially when you consider the parade ground to the bumpiness of the RJC pitch. Slaloming past defenders that were like 3/4 your size was pretty fun, and taking the ball over and playing a cheeky through ball with some spin through two defenders was quite nice too. ah well. good ol' days. Pool was fun as usual but a bit insipid i guess when compared with the festivities before.

Sunday was the time i played for service again, this time with the keyboards, trying to build up the atmospheres with some strings and some leads. I honestly thought it went quite well, coz we were rather tight and my fills were at least a lil' tasteful. It was nice to have samuel (e big one) encourage me a little, since he probably knew that I needed much more encouragement, considering that i'm still a relative newbie in the realm of the adult and probably knowing that i could make it and am competent enough, i hope. ah well. It's really because I don't mix with those people, the young adults/older teens, that it's sometimes rather intimidating to be around people that have been together for so long, and you've only just begun.

We've only just begun, so why do we act like we're 30 or 40, and pondering over the philosophies of life?

decided to move to blogspot coz it seemed more current and relevant and easier to use, which it probably is, anyhow. Anyway the old site is at this place where all the entries from Dec 2001 to 2003 were recorded. There were lots of memories, no doubt, and i've learnt to use the blog as a way of remembering myself in all my stupidity and to see my life back on hindsight, which is something that's really rare. At least I've realised what I was all about.
Thank you. But now. hello to blogspot.

God

2003-02-27 - 10:55 p.m.

Over the weekend was what I could consider a real spiritual experience. It started with the whiffs of ventolin that got me all going again, but then on Saturday I was on the net and I read what people had to say about rock music, and I realised that you know sometimes even music was holding me back from loving God with my whole heart and I prayed for forgiveness and to give Him my all and love Him with all my heart and my soul and all my mind. It was a spiritual sense of fulfilment and warmth and some purpose, not just peace but some warmth. Quiet time became more meaningful, I suppose. Worship too. My goodness, there was a connection after all. Through the songs and all of that. I finally see God as a real person, instead of knowing, perhaps I'm communicating. That was nice. I hope it's the start of a new growth for me spiritually. I mean I want to know Him as my Lord, but a personal Saviour too.

But I was worried again about my health, and still am a little apprehensive now, I mean ventolin can only bring you that far, but what's it about you that makes you need so many puffs?

I'm getting hedonistic. I'm reverting back to that carefree fun that used to characterise me, with the pop music and all, Tatu and all the things they said, and all. Going out as a class to holland v was nice and I wonder why we don't do that more often, singing stupid songs and doing stupid things. Yesh. All of that. It's the high life they call it and it's the life of fun.

But at the back of my mind beauty wants to wrap me again. Norah Jones' 'don?t' know why' calls out and wants to lure me in. It sure is easy to be sucked into this mess of intimacy and mellowness, but then it's definitely not conducive for living. Have to get it out somehow. It's an intimate, romantic, quiet, life, but perhaps it just makes me feel real old. Real old. I'm still young, at least.

2003-02-21 - 10:40 p.m.

Today was great. I was living the high life again. Went shopping with wen en and met rachel there, who came along with us. It's nice to be me again, and to see the lights and the glitter and all of that. Makes me feel excited about life again, when all school does is to depress you and warn you that the exams are a-nearing, although they are still a little far away. I was being silly but what's wrong with being silly? Staying at home all day long really affects your consciousness and that's when you really become crazy man. But we were so fickle, it took us 2 hours to find one wallet. Ah well. So much for the shopping, it was a nice experience though. And all the ah bengs listening to techno, and pop music through the radios, and traipsing along was really cool.

Went to the doctors. I'm really worried about my lung problems coz I keep worrying I have some weird serious disease like cancer and I went to the doctor's and it turns out to be some asthmatic problems with phlegm in my lungs. Thank God it's not so bad. Ah well. A lil' bit of ventolin should do it.

But seriously today was the day when I had dance tunes in my head again. They went 'we're so crap, we're so crap, crap crap crap', it's the silly bits of us, and I want to be silly again. It's nice being silly, we're taking ourselves too seriously all the time. 'crashing' came to my head very easily, so did the ubiquitous one. It was nice listening to the world again and all the sounds and noises that it makes. Urban life. Being out there with the glitz and the chic.


Coz now we're all in j2, everyone's feeling the heat, no one's easygoing anymore, and it's all a mess. people worry about the future, and think about what they're gonna be doing 5 years down the road, and why bother being nice, since we'll be all going seperate ways anyway? i hate NS, but that's a different issue. Yeah, and everyone's starting to wake from their slumber and realise that importance of their future. They're passing into adulthood, but we need more of these memories. I haven't got enough

smile!

2003-02-18 - 9:54 p.m.

Things are much clearer now, it seems, after a day filled with languid laziness and complacency and a real lack of interest in life, making me feel like a real fake scholar by any means. Well, it's nicer now, perhaps because of a nice little nap that I took which was simply enjoyable, I didn't have to think or dream, I just had to regain my composure, again, which was really quite nice. I sort of realised that it's the moods now that you really need.

And I was just thinking about moods and how we can't just brand people as nice or not-so-nice, it's all really a phase of our consciousness that we go through that just happens. And well a same person can be extremely nice or just bo-chap depending on his moods and all, [check out the diary entry 'won't it be strange when we're all fully grown]? And yet cynicism creeps in when I realised that really people can talk all about love and how we should empathise and all, but in the end there is so much vested interest in what we do, or what we say, that we are all selfish individuals anyway. Perhaps religion should change that mindset totally into a love for others before yourself, but then maybe it sometimes fails, and maybe it's only the reward of Heaven and God's approval that will keep us going to love and all. material incentives. but I hope it's not so true. I want to believe that people can love just the way they are. I don't know why, but it seems like all of us want to get the most out of life, the more the better, that kind of thing, that's why people go all out to try to gain something out of life for themselves, perhaps at the expense of others.

But somehow there's an irony about it all that is rather nice. The times that we render to ourselves the least and open out to others is perhaps the times when we benefit the most out of life, like the Bible says 'Tis better to give than to receive', and I wonder why? Maybe it's because we try too hard all the time and it's only when we learn to let go can others help us in return.

But mood swings are really bad. But perhaps it all stems from people wanting more of their lives. When people are on the high, it seems like they want more of the fun, more of the happiness and more of the laughter, and of course there is a limit to how much of that you can get, since there is always a limit, no matter what. We become desensitised to it. Fun that could be of great great utility when one is in a normal state seems like nothing when one is on a high. It's diminishing marginal utility of fun. So, what do we do? The only way is then down. We believe the change to be good because we want to gain utility by experiencing the sorrow as well. Maybe we move into artistic realms but that's a different story. That's why people also love languishing in their downs. It's a welcome change from the humdrum of it all. It's probably a little nice too, in a perverse way. This is, to make the ups feel much better. And so, when, inevitably, one gets tired of being down, and the ups come, the happiness received and experienced is much higher and much nicer, and of course it brings the cycle back to the start. So perhaps that's why we're all going through ups and downs, only because it makes life interesting.

Still, I wanna get back my childlikeness. To laugh and smile like nature when it laughs and smiles, at every little thing, knowing how silly I must be and laughing at myself. Haven't been able to do that in weeks. Finding my own little voice again which was silent for far too long. And looking back at life and thinking that it was quite good after all. Going into life, into things, as enthusiastically and joyfully as when I started out and finding life was pretty interesting. Away from this humdrum. This plateau. Inertia. To be brave and strong and venturing into the world and knowing that if I fail at least I tried to do something with the best of intentions. That child-like-ness. That faith like a child that tomorrow will care for itself.

It's such a nice feeling. I wondered what took me so long to snap out of that.