I had just recovered from a terrible bout of gastro-enterisis; stomach flu (is that how you spell it?). But there is something vaguely serene and surreal about being sick. it's about lying there just resting and letting your body recover and start feeling the sensations from the numerous sinews and nerve-endings of your arm, your leg and not feeling the pressure of life that says 'i have to do this' or 'i have to do that'; but everything is still and calm and nice and you can feel yourself again.
if only the fever won't be so bad, bah. that's the worse. vomitting like a dog is bad also. but lying on my bed, not having to think about work, or the pressures of needing to think about work --ah, now that's a welcome change.

i have more to blog about. but it's all over my head now.

no one reads this blog anyway.

It's been a long time since i've updated this blog. so many things have happened since then; i got my results, which weren't that good, but they were credible i suppose. overall i guess i haven't been putting in the effort required to get the As, but i guess i was satisfied with what i got.

it's been a period of bumming and slacking and hanging out with friends doing things like play dota or hanging out at walas, which have been decidedly good fun. i've frequented headquarters at paradiz almost twice a week ever since june started, which shows you how much lanning i've been doing.

i guess a highlight for me was the vcf foc camp held at scripture union campsite. i just felt that God was so powerfully involved in the camp that His presence was with us in everything that we did there, be it praying for good weather for the beach games which were a great success, to the wonderful worship session, to the theme talks, and even through general fellowship, how His Spirit infused the place with peace and loving kindness. and i had wonderful experiences with Jesus Himself in my dormitory, while worshiping Him, during worship, during meetings, and i say it was a great experience just being part of the team to organise the camp, really must thank God for that opportunity, and to thank lester too for asking me. i really miss the people there already, and the meeting room where we used to hang out for our meetings.
some great pals met there during the camp, which was really nice. they're all great people, my brothers and sisters in Christ, joel, guoyi, teck tee, clara, elaine, angel, jenny, serene, jeanette. woohoo! and i've got a fan club now! clara and teck tee set it up, you can see it at http://weheartshawnpoon.blogspot.com


i guess i had a very nice time with Jesus/God just now. i want a good relationship with Him. and i guess i've been struggling in my relationship with Him because i've doubted certain things, but when He whispers to you that "shawn i have chosen you" or something like "i chose you, you did not choose me, but i have chosen you" how can you not want to fall into His arms and embrace the love that you cannot get from this world? how can you not want to be a more faithful servant and follower of Jesus Christ?
but i want that close relationship now! i want it. i've got enough of this world. it can't offer me much.

so stop doubting shawn. and really i realise i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. i was listening to "umbrella" and suddenly all the notes fell in my head again, there was music. i was like, i could tell it was Db major and it really was in Db! wow. my own songs sound nice again and melancholic in it's melancholic splendour. SMIL.

really when i'm writing blogs i'm blogging for posterity. i'm blogging to look back 10 years down the road and see where i''ve been coming from and where i'm headed to. that's why the old entries are still there. you can see them. because they are a part of me that constantly evolves for the better, i hope.

the mumblings are still there, but now at least there is a peace.

Fear is really quite bad.
Fear.
Fear of many things. Fear of the devil, fear of God, fear of yourself, fear of people, fear of pain, fear of everything.
Fear stifles your life because maybe the only thing to fear is fear itself, that the 'thing' isn't so bad, it's the fear of that thing that cripples you.
Fear cripples you.
That's why "perfect love casts out all fear" because God's love is so perfect that we ought not to have our fears, but we all do. OUr faith isn't strong enough, perhaps. The disciples were so scared when they saw the storm, but Jesus calmed the storm. Jesus said "you of little faith..." and If He weren't so merciful he would have rebuked me many times for that lack of faith, that I have.

Grow my faith!
Sometimes we wonder why faith must be grown through trials. It is written "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence." Your faith is small usually but if you really did know how big and how wonderful your GREAT AND GOOD GOD IS, and how he is able to overcome all of your trials and so immesurably more, you should have total faith in Him. Which I haven't learnt yet!
We know it, but we can't do it!

So no more fear. Not to live callously of course, but not to be so stricken with guilt, and learn that you have the blessing and favour of the Lord and that doens't change.

What does it mean to be real?
Someone real.
Not just someone who has a false existence and running around
Or making smiles or making jokes or all that.
But someone real.
I in my mind can hardly think of real people. Or maybe there are some. Some people who are real. Whose veil i can penetrate. the love, the need for company. the humanness.
Because mechanicality is not human. Because it only ofusciates what our souls demand; what it really needs.
Our souls have lives of its own; no one really sees a little bit but it cries out evermore; the soul
and it cries out for the living God; and for real people.
and it cries out but some hear it and some wait
with their loving arms outstretched to embrace our hungry souls.
these souls have a life of their own.
not my mind not my intellectual pursuit of what is right and what is wrong.
no, something deeper.
something i can taste with my tongue and feel with the touch of my skin
(it's different from seeing or hearing)
that something within.

This is what a clinical psychologist using a colour test had to say about me:

You are constantly trying to make a favourable impression and endeavouring to be considered as that someone 'special'. You are pretty good at using various tactics and strategies that give the impression that you are in control. Maybe you are - but you are constantly watching to see whether or not your endeavours are truly appreciated. Be careful... just as 'you' may be endeavouring to influence others, 'they' may indeed be influencing you.

Being a somewhat gentle, emotional and sensitive person, you are at this time experiencing a considerable amount of tension. What you really need is someone who can be close to you and to listen to what you have to say.

Everything seems to have gone wrong and the situation at this time is such that you are not quite sure which way to turn. So it would appear that you are 'holding back', re-consolidating your position and relinquishing all fun and games for the time being.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.

How interesting.

I wrote another song, thank God, called "i don't care". it's brilliant thank God. and yeah hiopefully it'll be a nice song.

Btw all my songs are uploaded at http://www.esnips.com/web/ceadsearc so go see!

i was really really down, just totally out, really gone, full of guilt, lost, wandering, helpless, but then I prayed to the Lord Jesus Son of God and cried out to Him and He placed His tender arms around me and lifted me and told me He loved me an that I was saved a long time ago and nothing can snatch me from His hand.
my need for the Lord Jesus is so great that sometimes i'm so ashamed of straying but i know somehow He's there.

"Love lifted me".

perseverence. perseverence.

my ONLY foundation = Christ Jesus.
*wish/aim/reality = moving there

lifelong struggle; too many idols; too many conflicting interests.

purge!!!!!

temptations of being unfaithful but can't; warnings;
Jesus's LOVE will carry me
i want to be like paul who says
"i know whom i have believed
and am persauded that he is able
to keep that which i've committed
unto him against that day"

perseverence. perseverence.

my ONLY foundation = Christ Jesus.
*wish/aim/reality = moving there

lifelong struggle; too many idols; too many conflicting interests.

purge!!!!!

temptations of being unfaithful but can't; warnings;
Jesus's LOVE will carry me
i want to be like paul who says
"i know whom i have believed
and am persauded that he is able
to keep that which i've committed
unto him against that day"

Maybe I need to learn. to be a bit more confident of myself in life. but it's hard. it's the old demons. it's not being strong mentally or physically. it's the psychological nuances that keeps us in ruin. slowly we wait for a reprieve, but it never comes. the good moments of waiting and talking with people but it still remains the same.
maybe people can be abit more accepting. to realise that we all have faults, bad days; to realise everyone's different and i try to accept that so why can't people accept me? issit because i'm further away from the ideal as you? and maybe sometimes i secretly want people to be accepting so i'm testing them by being my silly me; it works osmetimes. people get more accepting. however there is a flipside in that some people get peeved why am i like that and all that. it's natural that people will judge you and want to do the more selfish thing to hang out with the fun crowd. or make labels for you.
sigh. you know what. if you think you're good, think again.are we really that good?



on a side note, i had a nice time conversing with my dad the other day; i kinda realised that he's really just a loving father who tries the best for me; coz he loves me and wants to be happy; but sometimes love is painful. i've got to learn to love him, to forgive his faults, to learn to love him because he's my dad (who loves me.) sometimes you misconstrue things. you think things should be this way but you realise that people are not perfect as well, just as you give yourself leeways for not being perfect.
but maybe i try to be perfect too much; and then get super frustrated and disappointed when i don't match up. it's a failing, seriously, it really is; it's the feelings of guilt that rages through me that i really hate when i confess my sins or somethning; it's the frustration of not being able to do the right thing and withstand it; or maybe a silent anger at God for not working fast enough to change me. either way; i shouldn't be. i should be more trusting in God that unlike me who's selfish God isn't and he's caring.
perhaps shawn = must learn to trust in others again and trust in himself; trust that otheres care about the things that one does because it affects them, just as what they do afffect me; knowing that they actually care about their own lives and when one does something good for themt hey feel happy about it.

it's just that little things that we fail to realise; the little happy memories of life that is good. and life thanks to God that is good. life can be so much more sucky but thank God it is good. it is good it its own special way, and it surprises you; i'm glad it surprises you. because if it doesn't surprise you then it might be a bit sad. i sometimes rebel against that surprising because i think wtf life is trying to play a trick on me or what but no.

you know what, it's not about the gifts, or the things. it's about the company. perhaps sometimes that's so true.

Just some thoughts.

The Lord Jesus Christ, in His first coming as the Son of God, which He truly is, did not come as a King. Surely He is King. God who rules over Heaven and Earth is His own personal Father. He is God's precious only Son. He was in Heaven, in the position of authority, with His Father, enjoying all comforts and pleasures and joys. The Father loves Him, and Jesus loves the Father. They are One. "I and the Father are One." He was the Prince. God is the Father, He is King, Jesus the Son is Prince of Peace. Lord of Lords. All glory be given to Him. And was given. But yet He did not come as King. Everything was borrowed. Borrowed. Where was he born? In a stable. He is God, he could have owned a big house, yet He came in a stable, in the most humble of ways. He rode to Jerusalem in a borrowed donkey. He was crucified on a borrowed cross, and laid to rest in a borrowed tomb before His resurrection. Our Lord Jesus did not come to be served, but to serve. "Because the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and give His life as a ransom for many." Because it was Jesus Christ's own love for us, His sheep, which prompted Him to sacrifice His own life for us, because it was the only way we could be with Him. He served us. He was our 'servant', in that sense, He served us because He loved us, and His love is so great; all we did was accept that gift which He bestowed upon us in love. Jesus said "Greater love has no man than this, that He laid down His life for his friends." It is His love that is knocking on the door, and that love that compels us to worship Him, to accept Him as Saviour, to choose Him over all things. It is that love that in the end tells us, no matter what people do, no one loves me as much as Jesus Christ the Son of God. Even though He is King, he chose to vacate all Kingly rights to be the 'smallest' servant one could find. The least of the least. Not because so that He would be glorified, that was not just a manipulative aim to get glory. No. It was because His heart was yearning for us, yearning for us, yearning for us that we would be with Him and because He loved us and that's why He sacrificed himself for us out of love. Because He knew that is the only way.

His heart is calling out to people. He says that there are still so many sheep left, and I must bring them back; then there would be one flock. His heart is yearning for those people out there; because He loves them too. Because the sacrifice He did long time ago was also for them. He also loves them and His heart yearns for them. He said "when I am lifted from the ground, I will draw all men unto myself".

As Jesus continues to draw all men unto Himself, let us be like Him. Let us love our fellow men as Jesus continues to love us, as His love is everlasting. As His heart continues to yearn for us and continues to keep us rooted in Him and continues to look for the lost sheep that has gone astray due to his own foolishness and finds Him and rejoices that He has found him, let us learn to serve, not because we want to get 'rewards in heaven', but because we ourselves are gradually becoming more loving, transformed into the image of Jesus Christ our Lord himself, that we are little "jesuses" walking around that out of the goodness of our heart, renewed by the Holy Spirit to be more loving each day. And because people need us. Because people need that love that they can't find; because this world is evil. There is no love other than Our Lord Jesus Himself, and we are witnesses to His love. We are His witnesses. We are the witnesses to the wonderful things that He is doing in our lives. People who are hurting, who feel a sense of loss inside, who need the empowering love to wipe away their tears, who have nothing at all, no where to turn to, no body to follow; the devil is always around them eating them up, telling them they're no good, ....... but there is a hope! But there is a way! Jesus is the way! He is always there, but they can't turn, because they don't know there is that way, because they don't know that the Messiah has already come and is now, even now, going to set them free from their sins. They don't know. The rulers of this age, the evil, blinds them, but then they can be set free; when we love, we show them something good, we show them someting that they want in their lives, something new, something new, a new colour, a new touch, a new fragrance, that opens their eyes and sets them free; they see it, they cling on to it, and we lead them to Jesus Christ Himself. We are the witnesses to His love and His perfect work: we ourselves are not the light, we come only to lead people to that light. Like John the Baptist we come to lead people to that light that life which is Christ Jesus Himself. And Jesus Himself like what He has done to us will Himself wipe away their tears. Because Jesus knows they need Him. Without Him they can do nothing. And Jesus will keep them and make sure the devil cannot touch them anymore. He says "My sheep know me, and I know them. I give them life, and they shall never perish, no one can snatch them from My hand. My Father, who is greater than me, has given them to me, and no one can snatch them from My Father's hand." Because He loves them, and 'love always protects, it always hopes, it always perseveres.' Because we are His friends, for He said "Greater love has no one than this, that he laid down his life for his friends." We are no longer His servants, as though we needed to do alot of things to make Him happy, as servants need to. No. We are His friends, because He loves us intrinsically, He loves us for who He is, for who we are, not for what we can do to enlarge His kingdom or glory.

Jesus Christ Son of God is love.
And that's all we ever need in life.
Whenever we are down, look to the Son.

One thing I learnt is how the Lord Jesus loves me intrinsically: not for what I can do, or for the gifts that I have, not for what I can contribute to people: he loves me for me, for who I am, in spite of my weakness, my imperfections, my wrongs.

"while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"
meditate on this verse. i'm a sinner. we all are. all of us have nasty sins. but Christ Jesus who chose me to be his friend is willing to say i love you enough not to let this get in the way of our relationship between us. i love you enough to be willing to die for you to get rid of this sin that is blocking the relationship between us. i love you enough to choose you to be mine so that my sacrifice will be yours. and when he says that he loves us it's in spite of our weakness, our faults, our rebellion against God (which is the same as sin). when he forgave that murderer on that cross it was out of a genuine love for that person which is willing to cover up the wrong and forgive; and he forgives.

it seems sometimes like wishy-washy hallmark cards but i know that my God is a friend to the lonely, like me, and he loves me intrinsically.

When the storm tempts me to stray
And the sky seems cloudy every day
Still I will trust in Jesus
Still I will trust in Jesus
When Satan throws doubt in my soul
And makes me wonder who has control
Still I will trust in Jesus
Still I will trust in Jesus

so many problems, so many possibilities.

God must give me the strength to want to do well, to want to live life, to want to be happy, to want to be strong, to want to enjoy success knowing that He'll be happy. God must want me to destroy my madness and start afresh.

if i could die and be born again, i gladly will.
life is too long to live well.
love never fails as perseverence withers
but nothing else truly matters.

I have learnt one thing today, but i think it's one of the most important lessons learnt. Never fear the devil. The devil only has power over what you give him, don't fear him and everything will be fine. I think for a long time the fear of the devil has been following me around ever since my spiritual attack long time ago. And this evening in the shower I said I'm not going to fear him anymore, I'm not going to fear the devil anymore. I'm going to court my salvation and know that I am saved and the devil is not going to snatch me from my Lord Jesus' hand. And immediately a part of my brain suddenly changed, like the neurons suddenly seemed to snap into place. And it was wonderful seriously. I'm not going to fear the evil one.

I was playing the piano just now and seriously it was like being free again, now I know what is a 'power, love, and sound mind'. I heard the wonderful melody of 'Autumn' on the piano as I played it again and sang my heart, with power and love and sound mind and with a beauty that I have never experienced in a long, long time, just like the old days, as the fear of the devil just vanished into thin air. Why should I fear him anymore who has no power? After that I was playing other songs and it's like my fingers could just move as fast as they used
to, and it was like everything was back to normal.

I love being free again, thank you God, my faithful friend.

Whenever I have problems and turn to the Lord Jesus my friend, His only response is a simple 'I am faithful, Shawn', and I'm sometimes wondering, look, why can't you say more than that? Perhaps there is nothing more to say. The 'I am faithful, Shawn' just encompasses everything that is wrong about me, my seeking of assurances, my looking for answers, my living in moods and in emotions and feelings, but then when I am down and when I feel that I have just lost God, He keeps saying 'I still love you, Shawn'. And that is enough to keep me going. Oh poor me for the lack of faith.

I had a good talk to Jesus about my life, about my problems and my failings. I was complaining to Him. As you all know, there have been lots of trials and sufferings in my life, and I was like, why God? why me? didn't i do what you requested? spread the word? try to be a light? it's unfair. And He pointed me to Job. Did Job commit any wrong? No he didn't. Did he do anything to deserve what he got? no, he didn't. And then I was opened a picture of new blessings, of new wonderful things that were coming my way, just as Job did.

And then I needed to break the stronghold of the devil that says that good things come from the evil one and not from the Lord Jesus. The Lord helped me to do that. But now perhaps I have full assurance that good things come from the Lord Jesus Christ and not the devil. I recall a long November ago when I prayed to the Lord Jesus my friend for a song (and I promised to Him i won't make it an idol, or let it destroy my first love for Him), and immediately, that very same night He divinely led me to write/gave me this song called 'Still madly in love', which seemed to be a love song between lovers. I was so thankful, but then doubts kept coming, oh maybe it wasn;t written by God maybe it was just by chance or by the devil. But then again Jesus's faithfulness kept coming back. At VCF three weeks ago, God told me that all these songs come from Him, but I should not make them vain idols, and in that prayerful mood I managed to hear that song 'still madly in love' again, with beauty and clarity. And in service I asked Jesus to help me not to punish myself again, and then the song came out again nice and wonderful, with power. Just last Friday i was thinking about it, and talking to the Lord Jesus again, when that song 'still madly in love' reappeared in my head again with love and kindness, and after that, immediately, Jesus whispered 'I still love you, Shawn'...and then today I was thinking, why the title 'still madly in love'? and not something else? could it be that Jesus was talking about His own love for me, and that how He still loves me, despite everything that I have done? About how I have failed and turned so far from Him, but, like the loving shepherd who goes after his one lost sheep, He brings me back with love knowing that I've strayed? I have doubted Him, been angry with Him, and all that He could say was that, 'I am faithful, Shawn', or that 'I still love you, Shawn', or that, in the song, that He was 'still madly in love' with me, isn't that such wonderful grace and love?

Just today I was praying again and then He said 'I will fight the devil for you, you just go and enjoy the songs ('still madly in love')', and so I did, and it was absolutely divine and wonderful, and then a voice came back again, 'I still love you, Shawn', still madly in love, with you.

I am happy.
I realised what God had wanted to tell me all along. He has blessed me. Now is the time to enjoy the blessings.
And you know what the secret is? The secret is this: To be content.
Contentment is our greatest strength. It is a place of peace, of rest, of goodness, of kindness, of thanksgiving. Knowing that Jesus my Lord despite my stupidity and inspite of my messiness in His grace and faithfulness still decides to bless his friend who in his stupidity was so discontent.

i counted my blessings.
'still madly in love' (which comes from the Lord Jesus--> but this is another story of divine intervention man, wow wow)
'autumn' (still nice really)
the wonderful 21st birthday party
all my times of fellowship with the Lord Jesus Christ
all my friends who love me and care for me.
my loving family.

what else do i need but to be content?

be content, praise God.

The devil is a destroyer. 'he comes only to seek and destroy.' so if i destroy my life just because i hate the devil, and then am afraid that the devil has his hand on my life and afraid that the moments when i'm the happiest was because the devil is at hand (of course, it's a lie) and hence destroy myself because i don't want to enjoy myself for fear of associating with the evil one, i'm actually cleaving nearer and nearer the devil, submitting ot him (the devil) and actually building up the kingdom of the evil one, for it is a kingdom that destroys.
so can i stop destroying and punishing myself now? instead of making the devil happy, let me make God the Father, God the Lord Jesus and God the Holy Spirit happy by creating and living and being positive.

'do not quench the Spirit by fear'. the Spirit gives life. Jesus Christ is creator and Lord, He makes all things beautiful in His time.

I like being sick.
I'm sadist.
I think, being sick gives you an aim, to be well.
It makes me forget the rest of my emotional and mental problems to focus on the one big pressing thing looming on my mind -- to be physically well.
It makes me forget the rest of my emotional and mental problems to focus on whether, or when, my sore throat would heal.

I have to learn to stop crucifying myself.
I used to do all that rubbish...I'd crucify myself again because I loved living in the past, and so if the present is lousy, all you cling on to is the past, and the past was good, so perhaps I'd think the present and the future would never be as good, so to amplify how nice the past was, I'd crucify myself again, and then, self fulfilling, the present would never be as good, so won't I want to live in the past?

God helps, but these old cycles keep coming back. These mental intellectual failures. These things which have no logical sense, are or not supported by any theological backings or Biblical truths, but are just product of old habit, old habit that forms and dies up but sways and sashays ever so unwantedly in your mind again just as you were on the brink of recovery, and of the hope that everything wonderful will come back again, and a lot of peace may evolve. But however no one understands how messed up our minds are, or how hard we try to find that little peace inside. Or the immense torment of trying to rid ourselves of wrong perspectives and lies which you have slowly entertained, which are lies. The more you grasp it, the more it slips through your fingers, and one day you suddenly find out that life isn't the way you want it. The hope and joy is gone. Where is the love that you once knew? All riddled in lies and wrong perspectives.

I'm embarassed at myself, fighting with my inner demons, fighting with my enemies, fighting with these thoughts in my head. Fighting and fighting. Sigh, maybe I want to relax, maybe I want repose, maybe I want to run back to the arms of my God and cling for help and ask Him to take it all away because I'm done fighting, I'm too tired.

Sometimes life comes and life goes. But the constancy of life is something I have to hold on to. If everything were so ephemeral and superfluous and truth is so subjective life would be a madness, but then there are everlasting truths, such as what God says in the Word, but then again the mind is rebelling, the mind questions, the mind wants to take an alternate stand. And then I am stuck in chains again.

I have to break out. Break out.

God help me. I love myself. I love my God and my Jesus. I don't want Him to be sad by living in the lies when the truth will set me free. That everything good comes from God and nothing good comes from the devil. To resist the lies of the devil and realise how wonderful my life will be because nothing can seperate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus Our Lord. That my Jesus, whom I know, who is faithful, whom I used to have a relationship with (and still have, not by my own efforts), still loves me, despite my running aways. That He blessed my life with blessings which I should be so grateful for, but then I'm like the prodigal son, running away running away when already the greatest treasure is here.

The greatest treasure is before me. The treasure of heaven, the treasure of knowing God himself, and the wonderful peace, comfort, love, justice, mercy, that flows from His throne. So why am I still running away? Can I not test God anymore?










Law really sucks, im sitting down here blogging like a madman during my SLS. If you're a lecturer, i'm sorry, but this is democracy.

I suck.

Crap life sucks.

I need perserverence not to be derailed by success but realise that life is a constant experience, and once you reach the heights of the mountains why do you keep falling down into the valleys? how much more difficult is it to climb up then to drop down? when gravity submerges everything into a meaningless experience and, for one day, you break through the clouds, and you realise how beautiful life can be... why do you keep submerging yourself? why don't you want to fly, to swim, to dream?

because i am afraid, shawn. because i am afraid that i would do something extremely stupid. because i'm afraid that my mind, like all creative thoughts, blackened in dark and green and orange, finds outlets to run to, and i'm not sure i can come back. the faith is wearing of, and i need to come back to the familiar. but the familiar is being destroyed. the familiar of green and old and the familiarity of home. the old forest is being destroyed, now. replaced by new forests. but new forests have no roots, it builds no roots into the mind.

fine fine be like that. hais.

'i'm clinging on to the last great hope
i know i'll fall and there's so much more
but i need you, i won't do.
your love's so big and wonderful
how can i ever be a part of you?
it's painful.'



hmms. i have to change.

hey listen to 'nobody's fault but my own', brilliant song. beck.

Stop living in the past.
You, shawn poon, of all people, is not the wonderful loving soul that everyone loved in JC and who loved everyone in JC. that was already 3 years ago. face it shawn, you have changed, and it's for the worse, and no one likes you anymore, and you're still alone. you're getting on the mend by the grace of God but still nowhere there yet. stop thinking you're a star and face it shawn, we're all normal.

blogging helps to relief my frustrations.

mambo night really sucked, it was freaking packed and the problem was there were so many groups that went to mambo. that's kind of ironic but it's worse in the case because you tend to flit between one group to another, in any case i do. and dancing is just tiring. it just is. don't you think so? sigh justin gan said i wasn't high at all, that's the truth. i take lots to get high, sigh, they just don't get it do they.

i've got to accept who i am, whom God created me to be, and not try to be someone else. i always fail in that aspect. let me please God please Lord Jesus my friend let me be comfortable in my own skin. please let me accept the fact that 'i was created in the image of God'. i'm better than who i think i am. wake up shawn, life is good.