Jamming today was positively brilliant...i played bass till my fingers are all aching and can't even type the keyboard no more. but it had everything, was super-fun. And it was like musical chairs: anyone could play anything....my band members, jon, and darren of course. we just switched from guitars to bass to vocals to drums, and seriously a whole lot of fun. played loads of numbers taken from a plethora of musical styles: american punk rock, to moffatts, to american indie rock like OLP and staind, to brit-pop of suede and radiohead...even some blues! how cool was that. even some original numbers: invincible, holiday, happy, nobody cares. it was good everyone just decided to have some fun and chill out after the terms.
class party was okay. played PS2 and had some dinner/ice cream, the usual works. and watching tennis: my goodness, roger federer was brilliant. he is a class act, with a classy touch, a brilliant one-handed backhand, and everything from the forehand, the serve-volley, the passing shot. talent incarnate.

listening to OLP now, wow. it's just inspiring and a great finale. thank you God i prayed it'll be fun. oh wells.
=)

There are girls that are just so delicious... they've got this incredible charm about them that makes me swoon. sigh. but I'm a creep, after all...what the 'ell am i doing here? man, it's really that smile that's so heart-warming, it just releases all the good energies in me...i just wanna go and embrace people. just to accost them or something, sigh. delicious. yummy!

okay that was a bit off, hmmz? today was a boring day, stayed at home mainly after guitar and slept, how interesting can it get? tomorrowmust be better, but today was already pretty good, esp the morning, just totally high. haha. wondering what to do if we're jamming tomroow...wanna try recording 'nobody cares', its a pretty good song, a catchy chorus, prolly an above-average guitar riff, lyrics by wen en *but i might tweak it*, a cranberries/poppish style verse: it's pure pop, but who cares?

nothing left to say, eh? music was so cool today though, there was a nice blend, as usual, that's so essential. melodies, more melodies, ahh i love them.

Yay! econs S is over! woo hoo, can celebrate now!

But really it's been a rather crappy day today...though I'm already all tired. Hanging around with 3 different groups: daryl/nat, calvin/lijing/ken, dinky/eleena...sigh, it's so weird. Just feel like a retard, i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo, what the hell am i doing here, i don't belong here. no wonder that song became an anthem. It's like, people talk and i just can't relate, just can't chip in, got nothing to say, just don't care what they're saying, just don't need to care what they're saying. It's like people do/say things for social leverage/clout and all they wanna do is to push themselves up the ladder to make themselves more attractive to women, or to make themselves more 'well-liked' and all that. heck man, i've had enough of that. goodness, i'm WHO i am, because of who I am, and heck i've made a living out of being stupid and doing stupid things and acting stupid in my life, i like it that way. it's so attractive to become me, i think. not that anyone really agrees. no one really bothers. concerned abt their image, all of us are. image-consciousness kills: it means that really all we do is to filter someone through that proxy called their physique: if that physique is good, everything will flow: otherwise it's all rubbish. and i'm tired of laughing at someone else's jokes and all that: no one laughs at mine anyway. and so i'm tired of humouring people, why don't all of ya humour me?

crap i soudn very angsty. blogging really builds that up in you. i was going to say something nice, that what i really want is just pure, natural human relations, and really that's what i somewhat have, and that's all i need, no need for the social clout, the political leverage, yadayada, it's all retarded rubbish, that is. the problem is that sometimes the things others do affect us, when it shouldn't, really. if not all we really do is to please others, and that's the most retarded thing i've heard.

Okay, so like 4 common tests are over, and I'm slightly back to normal, save for econs S that's really bugging me tomorow, but never mind, i'll find complete relief after that. history was okay, save for the no-time on the sourced based. literature was fine....i think PC was quite alright tho i spent too much time on it, henchard was normal, long days was normal but not much time left but ms lim is a nice person, haha. econs was probably 'A'-able, if the essay and case study gets through so that the 2 mistakes on the mcq won't be too bad. math is a killer...just stared at the paper, didn't know what to do, just didn't get the hints, just didn't know how to do it. sigh. how stupid can you get?

It's so different, RJC. i just feel this whole overwhelming sense of you-must-do-well you-must-do-well if not-your-life-will-be-screwed....sigh it was never that way at all, was it? never, never.

I have just been listening to the wonders of the just intonation scales and the richness and the fullness that you get from those chords, that blend and the harmonic overtones that are so pure and delightful. My songs sound nice again, haha. Yeah, I mean i've been trying midi programs that can sequence these scales, but unfortunately it's shareware. Never mind, the bliss of a moment. the swell brings back moments of angelic choirs singing in pure harmony, a world apart from the convulated untuned music that we get here, where chords just lose all their flavour, when the 4ths and the 5ths and the 1sts all lose their overtones.

Holy Spirit be with me: i've been so encouraged by Bible church's youth fellowship and all. I wanna go back.I asked God for my melodic gifts back (if you would call them gifts) and there and then i just wrote a song about coming back to God! 'Jesus...I'm coming back to you'....with rock/pop influences, and I'm so happy coz you know these things don't come so often...the immediate answering of prayer. And the funny thing is that, at the meeting I was thinking, crap i wanna return home, i've been away for too long, I've settled for the leftovers when I can enjoy the firstfruits, the harvest.... and then about a few minutes later the speaker suddenly spoke about how we all try to leave the church to see the world, when the fruits are there, right there, where the church is...and she said, why settle for the dust when you can settle for the gold? Sure, there's a lot of dust to see, but when you get the gold.... and immediately it struck...wow, deja vu, hadn't i been thinking that thought just a while ago? Praise God, what a revelation. I must go back i must go back.

I have to start.

you know what? today's the last day i can sleep at three and still feel fine. hate school hate school hate school =P

Save me from myself...please save. I'm in a mess, bloated with food, and i need some respite from the world around, and common tests are coming, what's all this for?

The blog's primary purpose has to move away from being a purely personal journal into being an avenue for expression, and the main advantage of that shift is, it's less boring for all those out there ploughing through journal entries. who wants to scour through endless pages of information about me mindless me? [unless of course, you think i'm cute, which of course is of zero possibility]

alright.

On Social Relations (a social commentary)

Much has been written about the idea of shyness, and whether it is embedded in the brain, or not. For someone used to be plagued with shyness to such a great degree until a churchmate actually told me it seems unreal that i'm so quiet, and now gradually evolving into some level of consciousness and a desirable level of expression, shyness for me has not been something hard-wired into your brain, as though you could not help it. In fact the very essence of dealing with it can be learnt, and the faster one realises it the better.

Of course much has been said about something called the 'comfort zone', the place, the arena, where one feels most at home with, be it with one's family, or with close friends, and it is in that place where the people with introverted tendencies can express themselves more fully, to feel at ease to express themselves, and remove away the self-conscious train of thought that expressing oneself might entail a risk of getting hurt, and so on. It is in that comfort zone that a person's identity and character more often than not comes across accurately. For me it might have been tuition class, or even class, but not at church: church was not really a comfort zone due to the wrong sort of mix of people, and the fact that i had to succumb to the people who were seen as having more social leverage, and the fear of being hurt: there was simply little connections that would have helped me stabilise and find identity.

No doubt, there is that hierarchy in social relations, and often it can be felt so obviously: People that are good-looking and outgoing tend to occupy the highest echelons of the ladder, they are the in-group, the core-group: their disappearence often changes the makeshift of the group totally, and that is why they have so much influence, since the group loses its identity when they disappear. And further down there are the in-betweens, they have some social clout but not as much, and often do not have influence to unilaterally decide the course of action in a group. And further down still there are people with no social leverage: they are discards, waiting to be chucked down and away at the slightest notice; their words have little influence, and they are just there to make up the numbers.

In fact, the hierachy is not steeped in stone, but even moving up the ladder is difficult, but of course once you've reached the upper rungs coming down is harder, due to impressions. There are certain ways for individuals to move up the ladder, such as, offering something new and special; emboding more characteristics that are desirable according to the group, and flaunting these characteristics; allying oneself with the people who have influence and form bonds within a group that would help--i find this pretty helpful sometimes into integrating myself with groups; and further on reducing the self-consciousness that accompanies people at the lower rungs.

Another aspect that creates shyness is the concept of self-image: the image that a group portrays on you affects the way you view yourself. In church i was viewed as quiet, so naturally one would tend to live up to one's reputation as being quiet, for to do so would be to invite stares and questions, that go, oh no are you okay? you're mad! Stupid people, can't they realise i'm who i am?

Of course, the greatest obstacle to social integration is that self-consciousness, the fear of what someone else might think about the person. Naturally it is unavoidable that, out of the comfort zones, some of that fear would remain. However, a shift in perspective must occur: individuals should realise that the consequence of being rejected, being hurt, etc, is not death and decay, but just a little setback that can be overcome, that will be over and one can go back to his comfort zone. After all, if individuals are not very close to you, you can let yourself get hurt and risk it all by being who you are, by being yourself, since, if they hurt you, it doesn't matter anyway, they aren't close to you, you won't be down coz of them coz they don't matter, and besides, on the other side, if you aren't part of their social circle, they'll forget you the next day anyway, so why bother to produce such a good reputation, why not just be yourself?

The difficulty, though, is to develop that strength that says, never mind, i'm hurt but i'll bounce back. That inner strength that must be there is hard to build up in some, the self-belief, the self-esteem, that comes with confidence, perhaps accentuated by religion, a knowledge that God is on your side, and so on, which would provide that essential that would allow one to take risks more readily and remove the barriers that shut them out to integration and allow them to open up to the world more easily.

Oh, if only people would love themselves, and maybe they would find it easier to love others, as one pastor has said so aptly. And it is so true: having confidence in oneself, (not arrogance, mind you, but just confidence) and knowing that your views have value and you are just as worthy as the next guy on the street, or the pretty girl out there, for appreciation and adoration, is crucial in overcoming the fear that greets shyness, and maybe social assimilation might be easier.

here's what i did over the hols!

fri: watched matrix reloaded at nite: street festival
sat -
sun: -
mon: guitar
tues: played LAN
wed: guitar
thurs: watched finding nemo: played pool
fri: guitar
sat: nothing much=)
sun: soccer!
mon: LAN
tues: bball...pool at mambo
wed: soccer!
thurs: great day! played tennis, studied, went borders, hard rock revolution at night
fri: home
sat: stayed over at darren's, watched midnite movie (far from heaven)
sun: darrens...ms lim's wedding, tennis
mon: at home
tues: went og, played LAN
wed: went airport
thurs: today! charlie's angels!
fri: gonna see red


oh btw i alwways seem to have good thursdays, don't know why...

Charlie's angels was super fun, super dumb, and super hilarious! It simply released all the endorphines in me, goofy lil' Cameron Di's adorable, man, what can i say. hehs. been laughing throughout the show and it was simply wonderful! it was almost like a music video with lil songs here and there and even a funny part that alluded to the sound of music with the song 'lonely goatheard' playing..how cool was that. in fact the beats and the rhythms of music were with me throughout the day, and especially the facility of language....wrote many lil' hooks complete with lyrics today, which was a change from usual when i can hardly think of words to write: words actually help in so many ways to actually construct melodies, in fact. there was just this rhythm and this lil' beat that i've been lacking, being sleepy and bothered....this was a nice change. played pool, but it sucked. haha. still the songs written were enough to compensate for it: i've got some little 'babe' song, some 'beautiful baby' song, and some 'rock and roll' song....eh. yeah. even the guitar playing's improved. it's like my brain has decided to work again, so i'll keep it while it lasts, huh? yeah
breathe the pressure, come play my game i'll test ya, psychosomatic addict-insane

oh i had another really weird dream yesterday, which consisted of some sharks swimming in a dark ocean, and they were really bad sharks, fighting for every little human being...and they could really eat human beings...so to distract them....we, on the shore, sorta threw little pencil caps at them...which ended up in them fighting over the little pencil caps! and it ended up with another shark coming to negotiate a truce at a conference (wait, was it sharks, or crocodiles? haha)...and in the end they started having peace...something like finding nemo, huh? fish are firends, not food... and then there was something about them deciding to attack a city. an unrelated part of the dream ended in me asking someone to go for red (which is tomorrow) and she refused coz she was going out with her friends...and the i asked someone else, and they all happen to be girls! ironic, huh. and another part of the dream focussed on me finishing school early and going to orchard....

sigh
dreams.

Had medical checkup today, which meant that I had to wake up at 7. consequently the rememberance of my dream became even more concrete. it was so, so, weird, i could tell you that. It all started off with this really funny emotional-lovey-dovey song that was playing, which made this girl feel so ..,unoe..that we hugged....and it was so funny. coz the girls' a really obscure one. haha. speak of weirdness. and then it progressed on to wishing another girl happy birthday, though i hardly know the girl at all, before i actually forgot i had an exam, and forgot which exam it was...until i realised it was history....we trooped into class, before realising that you know, it was a singapore history paper, with many many questions, and from each section of three you choose one....and it had questions about a burmese king who came to singapore to assassinate a local prince, and about the periods of war in the 1860s *what war, i don't know....there must have been!* a burmese invasion, and the quesitons were all short questions, but you didn't know how many marks they were! so we were supposed to scribble on and on and on.... and rolly allowed us to bring the paper home! so sneakily i checked the answers...before going back to school to have breakfast with 1b at ghim moh....and that's how the dream ended.
so surreal. yucks.
wonder if you all can beat that. haha.

Have you ever been so stoned before, your head's in a daze, chocolate has lost all its aroma and flavour, the pillow's inviting....intl' economy's so boring...music has no charm, there's absolutely no rhythm, you just want to rest in some Dvorak or some mellow crap. Woke up at 2'o'clock today and went back to sleep at 5--just that sorta hangover, and couldn't wake up for dinner. man. music beats irritate the 'ell out of me, and i think audioslave's vocalist has a really ugly voice, whereas the subtle mellow horns of the largo from dvorak's new world was so inviting, so peaceful. so spiritual.

Audioslave's 'Like a stone' was pilfering through my head today: ironic, tho it's not what the song intended, huh. never mind. stone is stone.

happy birthday jeremY!
it was pure exuberant energetic energy yesterday...prolly a sugar rush of coke and all. wonderful. couldn't sleep till about 5, stayed over at darren's, played war3, jammed a lil, talked....ahha how fun can your hols get? i'm gonna have real good memories man. just to bring some along with me. don't think so much...don't worry...but be happy...live for the good things in life! yeah!
ms lim...have a wonderful marriage yeah. haha. although no one really reads this.nice to see all the rj pple again, huh. but then again i din really miss them. haha.
=)
oh well, mebbe just a few ^_^

You know, it's surprising how some people just can't listen to music properly you know. i think it's an art, just to listen to music...i mean if people'd only learn how to listen properly, they'd be able to appreciate the harmonious blend and swell of classical music....when the chord is played with perfect intonation, there's a 'swell', since the harmonic overtones of the 5ths and 3rds can be heard distinctively and the chord blends in together....there's the sounds of angels, there's the sounds of a purity, a cleansing, that is just so delightful. it's not just technical stuff, it really happens, one just has to open his ears and listen intently, to let the music come to you. also, like they can't tell if someone is singing off? or if a pitch is off? that's really surprising. i mean, when the singer's voice doesn't blend musically with the instrumentations, that's definitely off, isn't it? matchbox 20's unwell is off, sometimes, since rob thomas doesn't sing exactly on the note itself...same for third eye blind... when one listens, stop listening just to the lyrics, or the chords, or the bass line, but how the whole songs fits in...all e elements should fit in nicely....and that's the only way you're gonna get that understanding of music and appreciation. if not one'll never grow in music appreciation! i mean, with regards to intonation, there's no margin for error, so long as it's not on the dot, it's off. unless the note is perfectly intoned, the song's never gonna transcend into something beautiful, or to produce any of the pure emotions. sheesh. at guitar club some pple just can't hear it. and 440hz has a kind-of classical beauty about it, seriously. it's when Mozart sounds so melodic and simple and balanced and reminiscent of order in the universe...the shifts of a chord, from a 4th to a 5th is simply a whole change in mood....the 4th is more 'gospel-like' and more summer-like, whereas the 5th is trying to resolve itself to a 1st....and the interrupted cadence 5-6 is a surprise, really an 'interruption', unexpected...the dissonances are trying to resolve itself to consonance, and there's the tension...
and if only people open their ears they'll listen to good music, and not that crap you get on radio....in the world where a toilet bowl can be art, we need some absolute nuances of what good art is.

Yesterday certainly was fun: we were at the Hard Rock Cafe to see bands perform, at the Revolution Centerstage: the slots, and later on mute, tho i din get to see the last act. the slots were pretty good, as a cover band, simply coz they played all the nice songs~ weezer's hash pipe, radiohead's just, coldplay's yellow, to mention the highlights...even seven nation army. wow. my one free drink was a bourbon coke which was pretty nicely done....it had some meat in it....oh before that we were shopping around and it was just fun yeah? exuberant, if i may say so. energetic. din matter what happened, we just went there to do what we felt like, haha. and guitar club was good, as well...tho i woke up at9.20, which isn't unexpected, i must say i'm getting my sense of talkativeness and fun back, some energy in my life again, it's back to good ol' j1 days: life isn't that bad after all, is it? when you think about As and NS it seems like a pretty depressing thought but why should that be the case? hmmph!
oh well, rock and roll's just fun. it's just rock and roll

don't know whether i should blog...it's such a mess to keep blogging and remembering.....like my friend once so aptly said, it's no point to recall the moments in your life since every moment is different, so just go and enjoy the next moment that comes instead of trying to recapture the old moments...or something to that effect.

Lord, we don't deserve anything....and unless we realise that, and just give thanks for everything, no matter how minute, how can we be thankful and experience joy? Give thanks! Be humble! Only if we have the right relationships with God and man can we really be happy.

I don't know. I'm a mess right now. there are times when you want to escape, don't you. we're full of contradictions and maybe the only way to live is to escape the mess of contradictions that are there. coz who are we, really? argggghh....................falling into oblivion.

So i went pub-crawling with darren. went to orchard's street festival, before trooping down to the esplanade, where there was a pretty good australian band called fruit playing, which was really quite pro, they had their own cd, and even asked a member of the audience to do a jig-along with them! pretty cool, huh...and they've got showmanship.... embassy was really quite crowded from outside, but i heard from everyone it was pretty fun, so, sigh, wasted, huh? We snugged into crazy elephant after crossing boat quay to clarke quay, to hear a zai guitarist, okay, a very zai guitarist, improvise on blues with his strat...wow wow.
Today's cell was pretty interesting. i think it's a change in perspective, really. Stop thinking about God as the punisher of our fallen nature, but as God being really loving and caring and all that, and knowing all our faults even before we commit them! it's a much more forgiving God I have to see. since it is written, 'there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus', and since we're saved, we're happy!! yeah! joyful! rejoice! we're going to heaven! yeah! this world is not my home! and the mentor said something about, loving yourself, before you can love others, and that's so true, ahh...stay the same. love yourself. God loves you.... and yeah....we were made for relationships, since even God is in relationship (the Father, Son, Holy Spirit)...so true, so true. and so I'm gonna feel good about myself and stop all that self-depricating being-scared-of-everything nonsense man, that comes with the dwelling on the fact that we are fallen....that was before we were saved, but things are so different now! So why waste our life away by dwelling in our fallenness? rejoice in our redemption! yeah!!!!!
the world's a messed up place, but we can always make a difference. and GOD WILL MAKE A WAY...yay! these are the days of elijah... and it is because of GOD's grace and GOD's love that we are here....and when He is with me, everything is better....somehow..somehow... my guitar playing sounds nicer. can write more songs. everything. pool, soccer, the works. haha.
and an essential ingredient in relationships is mutual respect of another..think that is so true, so true.
and giving 100% in a relationship, and looking for consistency, rather than the 'sparkle' of added attention, since that is true character as opposed to faking it. romance last three years...haha. so short ah?=-)

oh, played soccer just now actually..should've scored on a one-on-one, but didn't. haizz. a pity, a pity..... tried some flicks which din really work. oh well. must work on my soccer, gonna get some boots, hopefully?

Ah, the answer is, no! Or at least, I don't think so.
my parents don't really like me clubbing, i guess. ahhhh. I prayed about it, asking Him to tell me whether to go or not, and it seems He says no, haha, coz someone just called me to go to orchard to watch the street festival, so i guess, it's no. well well.

To club, or not to club? that is the question.

Oh well. today has been a pretty stoned day, i got to start moving around and start feeling again. being stoned is just a waste of time: one feels nothing. the night has been better, though. thankfully.

There's something wrong with my archives, is there not, oh well. can't seem to access it: will someone tell me what the problem is? Actually come to think of it you'd like blogger. blogger gives you an opportunity to explore yourself and to release anything you want to say to the world...

Oh actually music was brilliant in my ears yesterday. music just being wonderful....simply wonderful. swooningly beautiful. smile-inducingly refreshing and delightful. ah well it didn't last, did it. looking at the bands that were playing yesterday outside cine and it becomes rather exciting, this street festival.

I've got to find God again: I keep thinking He's angry with me, I gotta go back...His love and grace is greater than all my sin, His love and grace is greater than all my sin... You know what, we're just not of the world, we just don't belong, and it couldn't be otherwise. Those who want to follow You, the world would hate. That change in perspective has to come, if not we all fall into being servants of the world and not Royal children of God that have been called to a greater mission.
Just want to burst out in song sometimes.

You see, there's the perpetual contradiction: part of me wants to have fun and live, while the other is contemplating on issues that are far greater than the grasp of my understanding.

Ahh...looks like my pool's getting better, if only some of the shots would just fall! anyway had quite a bit of fun, watching nemo, hanging around, chit-chatting, playing pool, oh well, that]s the life that hols should be, not sit-at-home and study. Sigh. life's like this, huh. anyway i just wrote a song which is quite good, actually: it's rock. i'm back to writing pop music, woo hoo!
Oh mayor of casterbridge is quite interesting....lol i'm abt to finish it. and finding nemo was interesting also...gee dory is such a bimbo man she just reminds you of every little bimbotic girl out there.haha.
haven't got much to say, really, just living and not thinking. it's a bit easier on me brain.

Been listening to classical music, appreciating the thoughtfulness and the peace, stillness and calm of those instruments that blend in. And of course it's soothing to listen to, and it makes you want to pay attention to the music, to give it respect, since it demands one's attention by not boldly thrusting itself into your face. But of course there's the tendency that the music becomes bland and uninspiring, particularly if the music is composed mainly of sequences and devices without any thought to melody, or tune, or an organic construction of music. On the other extreme is pop, thrust straight into your face, demanding you catch it, but sometimes without the thoughtfulness of the former: it is just musak, at it's worst. It doesn't have the sensitivity that classical has, where each chord change is essential, a shift from a minor to major signifying something, a return to the tonic means returning to the point of rest, a finality: dissonance resolved by consonance is essential and inevitable. Classical music demands a sensitivity that people need to cultivate, somehow, to the art of music, itself: a chord change is crucial because it is. it's not just to fill up the bars.
But of course, both has its merits, and good music is good music because it has soul and feeling, whether it is classical, or pop, or rock. Oh well.

Life is getting better I guess, thank God. hmmz. wrote some songs today, starting work on a string quartet. but i'll never finish, anyhow. haha. Guess my piano's touch is coming back, i feel i can actually make it sing again. I'm more in control of myself, i suppose.

Sigh. It’s real annoying when you just want to let it all out in a blog entry and Blogger appears to be down. Its sad, sad.

Is it true that all of us are social beings? Able to communicate, able to live and to talk and to be with others and all that? Sadly some of us, being so resigned to the small plot of social-skills left-over from the partygoers and extroverts alike, have to content ourselves with. Which is the saddest thing of all. Those that are lookers and have the party life don’t need any of that. And for us, our body language makes us irritants to the masses out there. And our speech is harsh and is found wanting, in trying to actually communicate. And we get misunderstood so easily. Our jokes have no punch, they just fade away into the distance. You look around and you see people enjoying themselves, and I’m the morose one trying my best to be someone and fit in and finding myself confined to the outside, desperately looking in. It’s one of those themes you can’t loose yourself from, how to fit in. Am I really that hard to communicate with? Do people get intimidated by who I am? Just a humble old soul, really, I am. It’s depressing that people always get the wrong impressions, until they really know me and find me quite alright, hopefully. It’s a maniac slumber that everyone has to struggle with, until the cords snap loose and we get tossed into the ocean, where it might be better. Away and free. And no one will bother about you except God up there and there is such solitude, if there is loneliness. but then no one will notice you, really. You cry but your cries appear as though they are ice-cold shards, flint spears trying to cut through the happiness of the conversation to bring these eyes to awareness of that one tossed about in the sea by the waves, and is immediately chastised and we can go back to life as usual. But how can we?
Don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s a maniacal life we have to lead. We can’t follow our dreams, since inevitably some things just are and it’s too difficult to change them. And it’s easy for everyone to say, look, just do this and that and you’d be fine, but somehow you can’t get over it. No one gets over the things that happen to us, do they. And how they shape you to become who you’ve become. Sell the artistic side to get back your easy-goingness you’ve lost. Don’t think so much. Sigh. It’s like telling the person who can’t get the math into their head, just do this and do this, and they get it after a while, and they go back and they realize how confusing it all is, and when they want to try again, they can’t. it’s the same old thing that happens. You get it, then you lose it straightaway.

It was so nice, the last day of school, going afterward to kenneth's house to play warcraft and getting my butt kicked, before traisping down to orchard road where the atmosphere was brilliant, where punk-faced choker-laced skater-boys and party girls gathered around the ground floor of cineleisure orchard, listening to punk bands play guitar-charged songs on the little stage nearby, lazing around, talking, all determined to pass the night in some way enjoyable: where further on opposite HMV a large stage was erected and other bands performed in front of crowds sitting down on the grasses. It's the street life, gone for so long since SARs raided but it was nice. Seems like everyone was out that night, except for those sitting for SATs, and for them I wish them well, of course.
Matrix reloaded was nice, if a little too philosophically-corny, but what could you expect? The effects were better, of course.
Anyway I just woke up. Oh well.

Just want to ask a question, you guys can post a reply, if anyone's listening. Do you think music should be pure, as in, the sounds, the mathematics of it, in order to transcend? Or is straight-ahead dirty rock just as fine? Are we, by moving away from traditional elements of it, limiting its power and transcendence by being cheap and complacent and forsaking our commitment to art, since Mozart and the rest were musically/mathematically pure? Or is it a natural progression? Should mathematics govern music, the pitches and all? When you listen to rock on the radio and they sing out of tune, out of note accuracy, is that fine as well, or it's just lousy intonation?
I struggle with this all the time, rock, or no rock, jazz, or are we all going to revert to the Mozarts and Beethovens.

It’s hard to make a stand, but sometimes, a stand is all you need. I’m tired and sick and bitter of being some doormat. To make up the numbers you see. We don’t’ care if you’re not here. You don’t really exist, Mr cellophane. They don’t realize I’m perfectly capable of dominating a conversation, of saying loads and loads, but I’m just bloody tired and pissed at life, and really I don’t want to dominate anything. I want to give you people, you lousy peons, some breathing space. It’s a crazy world but that’s life. And after I do that everyone thinks I have no opinions. No mind of one’s own, he just wants to reflect anything and everything. What rubbish. Aren’t I the individualistic one, and not you? And if so I could go on being unique where you have to waddle in the mud of your clique, your society, your whatever. I’m just giving you a chance. But people don’t see that. They see that after you’ve given them a chance and just agree with everything they just tramp on you. You become afraid to talk to them. What kind of life is that leading? I’m just caught in the middle.
I’m not having any of that. I’m going back to my definition that one should only care about the people that one wants to care about, and who care for them. It’s not about image or being in a clique or anything. It’s bonds that keep people together. And if the bonds don’t want to be there, what can we do about them? I’m not going to create them, am I?

And everyone takes you for granted. You walk along, and when someone wants to talk to them, they do so, and when noone wants to talk to them, they decide that there’s still someone called shawn poon whom they can talk to, and they do so. It’s like I’m just some being that happens to be a comforter in loneliness, isn’t it. Yes, when no one wants to stand up for you and you’re all alone I’m there, and when you’ve got your fun and your social circle all again bye bye goodbye sayonara see you in a few years time when I feel like I need some comfort again from my sad little exploits. Kind of like the prodigal son.

Gee. I hate being the subordinate one. I want to be the star again. That’s MY RIGHTFUL PLACE. And that’s where I’m going to get it. Hate all this rubbish. It’s great to be considerate and all that, but don’t people take you for granted? It’s only the truly humble and nice people that bother to say hie to you. Other people don’t bother.
Society creates all these illusions that once you’ve reached a level in society you can ignore the rest of the individuals around you since they’re ‘lower’ than you. Oh they can just p*** off. I have no time for them. No time whatsoever. What is happiness anyway? All of them just want an identity.

The problem is all of that. And don’t we write songs to vent our frustrations and our messages? No wonder all my songs have been so frustrated at what I consider to be the failings of life. Because they are, and if I can make people see how they are stuck in that matrix and that sooner or later it would be good if they could see the light, then I would gladly do so. It might take me ten songs. Ages. But why not?

I was escapist for a very very long time. Trying to put aside the negatives in one’s mind and only concentrating on what is beautiful and good. The gorgeous strains of music, and so on. On happiness and Spiritual things and all that. Maybe that is wonderful after all. I don’t belong to this world. This world is not my home, I’m just a passing through. And maybe that’s what we must do. But I do hope I have some influence to change the world in some way that is beautiful, to make an impact, like Michael Moore did in Bowling for Columbine, to have some form of message to show to the world, that really all you need is love.
You know what, all we need is love. But who realizes that till its too late? What are we fighting for? Is it worth fighting for?

Over the weekend there was a sense of spirituality, of being close to God, and that's been missing for so long. It should be my primary aim, of course, to be near Him and all. I want to walk close to Him and for Him to talk to me instead of just having a one-way conversation and obey. Sigh. It was nice on Sunday night though--The song 'Days of Elijah' is wonderful. About Christian revival and how we should stand up for Him in these evil times. So true, so true. Moses, and the Bible heroes. And the Bible's verse that night was on how we shoudln't 'envy', which was really apt since I had always been trying to transcend myself, which is really tiring: why can't we accept who we are? We should. Been trying so hard to write musical stuff, and I guess it'll come, in time.

You know what. The Sound of Music and all that Rodgers/Hammerstein stuff is just so lovely. The wonderful sounds of music. It produces pleasurable emotions, pleasure. Pure strains. The notes are all clear and distinct, and harmonious: harmonious. Gorgeous. i just have to sit back and admire, because It'll take so long for me to write anything remotely like that.

oh well.

The RJ rugby team lost to ACJC again, but this time they fought their guts out, their spirit, their 'gryphon strength' morphed in a show of collective determination, and it was mere inches, just two points. What if raihan's penalty had gone in, instead of scraping the bar? What if our conversion had gone in? Such questions could never be answered, and its pointless to ask 'what if'. But the RJC rugby team deserves great respect, for against the odds they pushed and was centimeters away from winning. They kept on going. 13-3. all the way back to 13-11.
Sigh. its sad, isn't it.
Still, it was great going back to the ACJC side. walking around, seeing the people that you grew up with for four years around you, walking to them, shaking hands, talking about how's things been, or just a simple hiez haven't seen u around for ages, and just feeling like you actually belong. It was nice. I'm always plagued by insecurity anyway, when in RJC, its as though they've grown up in RI and this is the natural progression and one's just an import. The difference was really quite clear.

crap. i don't think i'll be able to write a romantic love song anyway. never mind. wrote something today....need some lyrics.

I guess i shall start going back to being myself again. Its been so long away. so long.
okay
seeya

life is so complex, and why can't it all be more simple? it's stifling how we can't ever get pleasure back. happiness. bliss. call it whatever you like. we're escapist, somehow, a tendency to transcend the mere ordinary into something magical. let's stop thinking for a moment.
that's right.
and we'll fly away with our instincts.

It's sad the way some things have to happen. How there is suffering in the world. for those who know what i'm talking about, then join my thoughts, if not forget it. but I believe God is in control and no matter what hope is so important. But her suffering is over now, and God definitely has a plan to allow suffering, doesn't He.
nostalgic and it's kind of mad. i want summer and all the fun, but then when it's summer and having fun i miss the nostalgia and autumn. what's wrong with me. there's always a clash between the person looking for artistic liberation and mindless happiness. that's the complexity of life, isn't it.

but i was kinda mad today. laughing in that gay hippie manner. swinging around. acting cool. that's the life you'd love to lead. of sweet warmth and bliss and effervescent laughter. haha.

I like saturdays. The day had been so sunny, it was nice seeing the trees bask in the warmth of its glow, and how everything was bright and cheery, travelling over the benjamin sheares bridge looking over the coast, wow, Singapore actually looked like a sea-side garden city, and on the keppel viaduct looking over to the ports and the bustle of it, which was nice. it was in the morning, too, not too hot, at least. it reminded me of sydney and its cosmopolitan air: it's the urban life, with tall buildings and a kind of spaciousness that comes from those tall buildings. and simply stevens road is so upmarket and bourgeois: there are condos and clubs everywhere, and is like the inner reaches of a city, the areas where slums have failed to reach and posh cars roam the street.

How can i write about romantic love when I've never experienced it before? Writing broadway musicals and so on and the complexities of love. Maybe when I'm 30 I could write about it, but when you're 18 you're into rock and roll. It's only natural, isn't it?

The AC choir was, in one words, fantastic. Words can't even begin to do it justice. It is listening to the swell of harmonious voices--like choirs of angels,--and hearing the sound of silence that floats over the air. It was ethnic, oriental, mystical, with the discernable sounds of folk-song and Latin masses. I even managed to write tunes amidst the silence, and with each new swell of voices comes new colours. It was almost a spiritual cleansing, a purging of unhappiness and uncleaniness, an a refinement to beautiful thoughts. Thank and praise God for music. It's a beautiful thing, it really is. There are some times when I've begun to believe that again. Thank God for that, after all the crap that's happened before.
It's wonderful when you meet up with AC friends again, like on the MRT: old chums you've never seen for years and suddenly they're back in sight and the old memories return. It's relaxing, it's fun, there's a perpetual grin on my face, it soothes you and the unhappiness and all that stifling is gone, but what is natural and good is left. It's like swinging around on the MRT and no one bothers about you and you won;'t let anyone bother. we're all happy, there isn't anything unhappy left about. we really can control our thoughts and feelings. It's so exciting and fun and the jokes are so warm and gentle and there's a warmth about it. people actually smile and it's not because they're sarcastic or sardonic or what, it's because they really love to smile.
It's nice, smiling. just a simple thing?

:

Kenneth and Danielle's wedding was one of the sweetest most beautiful things you could ever witness: love in a nice, sweet, not-too-saccharine but still meaningful nevertheless, form. We were roped in to play in the ensemble for him and was it rather exciting. Practise at Declan's house on Thursday and Friday was nice: shared in the jokes of the chamber pple, got to know some of them better and all that, and the playing was rather interesting as well. it was a nice break, sort of. But that was just the appetizer: the main course really started off at the church of the Holy Cross in clementi where the two of them were solemnized in marriage in the Catholic fashion: it was rather weird for me but it was so happy and nice for them. so sweet, at least. they'd make a very sweet couple, i could tell you that.
We proceeded on to the Fullerton where it was all grand and stuff and really it makes very good memories: the walls are familiar, the people change all the time. the press room where the actors were in, and the chamber people walking around to and fro from the ballroom to the holding area, we set up the equipment, did some sound tests, got real tired, cracked some jokes, waited for the party to really get going. Got a lil' high on the shanghai surprise and all that and it was nice to see Mrs Perry and she told me Mr Purvis was coming and that was a surprise as well.
So the evening's entertainment went: the dancers came out in their full force and we played 'zui ai ye shanghai' and it gradually progressed into the jaclyn song of 'since i met you': what was nice was the entertainment at the tables eating our food and the cute teddy bears and all that. ken even gave us angbaos which was very very generous of him, ah well, we should've been the ones giving him stuff, after all we already got to eat! soon the romantic part came with the second walk-in acccompanied by a delightful string section of the ensemble, and later on it was so nice seeing kenneth play 'whens' a request a proposal' to danielle, 'wo yuan yi wei ni' (sung by someone else), and later on kenneth to sing his proposal song: will you marry me. you could see danielle slowly melting away into tears as it was just so, so sweet, and all. i just wanted to cry, but i'm a guy. it was. oooohh. and ken was just like a little boy all of a sudden.
'little boy of mine' was funny and that song is rather sticky in your head: later on was the finale and all the yum sengs and all and i had to do a rather long improvisation since they took so long on it but i'm quite happy with it my fingers didn't start going gluey and sticky all of a sudden. ended off with a bang. i hope everyone loved it.

so dinner was over, but now was where the real entertainment really started. we took photos with danielle and her beautiful tiara and crystal-studded wedding gown, cracked more jokes and being high from everything, to the astonishment of mrs perry. later we stumbled to the hotel rooms and just was like a high party, ken got some wine and we had some drink alright. absolut vodka from the larder mixed with virgin pink, yuck. haha. all their old-school friends were in the wedding suite so we were content to have our own little gathering in the spare room. but oh well it got a bit boring. decided to waddle down to the singapore river for a nice little walk, the black raiders of singapore, before i had to go back home. ah well. so much for a night, but it was so fun.

God bless them.

i'm tired.
but honk when you're horny baby.

haha

It's great to be nice in a world of social relations. where one doesn't need to think so much. everything is in the middle. moderate. Being thankful to God for each little thing since really He doesnt' owe me anything.
if it seems a stupid thing to say, mebbe it is, or mebbe its hard to relate to.
people are nice people after all.

i hope so.
we're all trying to do our best.
all the highs must invariably be accompanied by lows. mebbe i just want to be myself in a quiet peaceful life.

Wrote an interesting piano-based song which I felt was pretty good, but then again I always feel the songs are good until the next day, when they then sound like crap. But this one will probably last a while. I wrote lyrics for a chicago-styled song that was written(tune) some time back also.

But jamming at darren's again was fun. haha. it's like a re-emergence into consciousness. I'm content and I don't need to be so high or so low but the middle's a nice place to be. Music is nice and a day of music and rhythms and beats is even nicer. Vertical horizon and all. lovely stuff. YOu know, music's fun. just being fun and letting it out. and I've started singing again, and appreciating the lyrics and how they all fit into a song and the emotions and all. performing and emoting.

sorry i'm not being articulate.

you know what is blogging a good idea after all. sometimes i feel it's really bad because one can never relive it and then the blog just makes one want to remember it and sometimes we're walking around with our eyes on our back.

It's amazing what a dash of bacardi and bourbon cola can do to sedate oneself, and calm the nerves and still the ever-moving fibres. It's so relaxing, feeling the breeze on my face.

How can we come to see God if we still persist in remaining big, in remaining ourselves, in keeping us full of that pride and arrogance? Let's be small little me. We're too small and insignificant anyway to change the ways of the universe. We can't move a tree by ourselves, not to mention arrange the stars. We're price takers. So please remove it. Insignificance is wonderful since the pressures of being so 'big' and thinking oneself as being so big is too burdensome for me to endure.
And I have to realise that, since everything becomes so much better. I can focus on God without focusing on myself. I can converse and be interested in others without being interested in myself. more of You and less of me.Because we don't see the real meaning of this life, being ignorant. All our riches are filthy rags.

And I've realised that our most minor flaw that we tend to overlook easily might be our biggest stumbling block.

--

Really I was extremely burnt out today, having had a full full day of all-sorts-of-activities, from lots of music practice to SATs1 plus cell group and worship yesterday, which meant lying in bed was a joy to behold, and boy can't I wait to go back there. I started dreaming, though, of people again, of my old AC life, of being kiddish and boyish, of a computer gaming shop that frequently emerges that is housed in a building that looks like Cineleisure, [which is often paired up with a paragon-styled building], of being with AC pple, running around orchard and all that, of going out, of doing all sorts of crazy things, of even doing standing-broad-jump for NAPFA tests and trying to raise the knees (which didn't really work), hanging out with my friend's class, and running around with girls.
Oh well. what a crazy life. What a crazy dream. That's what I wanted it to be anyway, but now it's gone, gone, so long.

The world's so big anyway and so complicated, and it's impossible for one to understand everything, so I'd rather just observe it from afar and see the little differences and similarities of it all, and be just a little speck in the great scheme of life.

Watched X-man 2 yesterday, with ac friends, for some mindless fun and prancing around in Orchard, which was nice and cool, of course. left me with a smile on my face.
Today was a perpetual state of dreaminess, where the mind is left frozen and the eyes droop and the bed is snug and warm. It's hibernation, where the soft strains of 'somewhere over the rainbow' fill the air. Can't get too excited. The notes don't have that lightness about it, but tends to hold. if you know what i mean. It's being relaxed and letting myself wind down and restore the energy sapped away from yesterday's party-in-orchard-road.
I'm really trying desperately to write a musical-like song, where the notes fill a nice pattern, and is memorable and easy to sing. Just need a spurt of melody to start it and it'll be fine, but that's the really hard part. I just don't want drums. No drums, no guitars, none of that rock-pop thing. but i want pure melody and pure sounds.
I'm really torn between the rock/pop world, where the mind thinks of the chords behind it along with the melodies, and the song-song world of music, where the melody is the primary thing, and in one's brain the melody line is followed dogmatically, and the rhythms are simple and all. I'm trying to crossover now but it's really difficult, because all of my life it's been listening to the radio, and really i'm just 18 and it's crazy for me to live and dream and feel like a 40 year old. It's all about exuberant fun now, not all that mature meaning??
The rock/pop world gives me a smile, while the song-song world gives a clear mind. which one is more precious?

Okay i'm crazy. pple wont' be interestd anwyae. i got a new phone btw. its a 6610 not bad... k nvm.

here's some songs I've been listening to, haha.

sarah connor: skin on skin
50 cents: in the club
avril lavigne: losing grip
portishead: sour times
audioslave: like a stone
eve cassidy: time after time

all great tracks. indicative of my state of mind right now.

Monday was a mess though it started off nicely but it faded away into a mess of thoughts. What's wrong with me, still trying to be a writer. It's never enough, the patterns, the music, the contours. I need something else real badly.

Today was alright. i haven't got anythign to say really, though portishead was good. had a real nice long nap and felt awfully good after that...think i should do that just almost everyday: its wonderful how well you feel after that. everything is nice and a lil' hazy, music has a halo around it, and jazz is sublime.

I'm falling into oblivion. Please save me.
Nobody reads these posts anyway.
I'm tired of trying to be special, we're all so mundane, and maybe when we grow older we'd realise how stupid we all are.
This is just a release. It's such a powerful one. I just had to write, didn't I?

Please tell me how I can be used by You I have no idea give me some assurances and some signs. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness, but I'm still going on trying to be someone? I'm still trying to write a proper melodic song after so long, so long. I want people to sing without going all energetic about it, but maybe I can't do it. maybe I'm trying too hard. I'm trying to talk and laugh but I can't. But this is such great release. It's better than sex, not that I know how it feels anyway. i suppose i'd never.

i'm going crazy. but does anybody care. nobody's online anyway. this loneliness. inertia creeps. nobody's on the sms. haven't got a clue what they're doing with their lives. loneliness. the doors are shut and you're groping for the holes, just to escape. escape.

Such a mess. radiohead might ease the pain.

haha.

Stayed at home today coz the flu bug came to me, and was pretty unproductive except for finishing the new song I've just written, which is the musicalesque one. Honestly I'm pretty happy with it, matching or perhaps surpassing my high standards...I'll post it on the web once I've written lyrics to it. This song has a rather enchanted air to it, being a lil' romantic like all musicalish songs, and has some semblence of emotion, that differentiates it from all the other trash I've been writing.
It's great to spend hours on the piano. One gets into this very musical mood, where the notes ring out loud and clear, and the harmonies are distinct; Where we get into the music itself, we speed up/slow down just as required, there's an elegance about the touch, etc. I was playing my old Mozart song that I had to perform for the exam long ago, and I realised how much more I understood the sympathy, the pathos, the sweetness of the melodic parts, in addition to the brilliant parts. At least now I'm playing it with some maturity that I didn't have last time. Which brings me to realise that its really a growing process, this piano-playing thing. It's great, I'm finally getting my touch back.

I told you we'd go back to normal after monday, and it was rather mundane, I'd say. I think I grew a lil' closer to God again, and I've become introspective, a little more, at least. Music's flowing through my veins again, I suppose. The Band concert was not bad but the auditorium it was in deserved better, since every wrong note was articulated so clearly, according to ms chen. haha. Oh well.
I'm quite pleased with the two songs that I just wrote today, one an extension of an earlier song. pretty good stuff. I'm feeling musical now, after sitting on the piano for 2 hours and pressing away at the keys and slowly appropriating all the musical notes into my brain.
I'm real tired. Having a lil' bit of flu, it better not be SARS. Pls God don't let it be SARS. Ah well. good night.

There's something wonderful found in pure, unbridled, spontaneous Energy of ebullient enjoyment, childish laughter, such joyful happy fun: life is that good and that brilliant. It's the life. There is no need for philosophies of life to dictate what in essence is living: no system could encapsulate the joy and energy of the human spirit. There's no need to read into the connotations about what someone is saying. people are all just friends and love and are happy for each other. There is no need for too much thought. It's just liveliness, spontaneity and fun.
Damn I missed that. It's been gone for too long, lost in all that psuedo-literary crap and all that. Argggh.

Today was really an encapsulation of what had been missing for too long: it was my birthday and I didn't expect much, but things worked out just right, just like I prayed it would. Wonderful. lots of 'happy birthdays' and shaking hands n some hugs and a nice lil' card from mel/nic and just a nice friendly cheerful atmosphere going on around. Later on became even more 'siao' especially in the canteen where i was just loud and boisterous, illuminiated by torrents of pure energy. Torrents.
Dinner was pretty good: at fish n co where there was quite a lovely farm-house setting and boosted by lively conversation, preceded by pool of course which was not bad. sigh why can't I pronounce 'souffle', argh. haha. Bakers' Inn's 'souffle' was a nice introduction to the wonderful world of that fluffy egg pudding, having real good texture and taste complemented by the vanilla. i suppose everyone enjoyed themselves a bit, though it was a lil' premature they had to leave by 10 for some physics test but I guess I was too tired anyway, sedated by sips of tequila and curacao.

Thanks, Lord, things went out fine, and help me to have just that simple faith of a child in knowing You will do everything for me and I just have to receive it whole-heartedly and trust in You. It's times like this that you realise that God can change things in a really subtle and different way. It's not just a mental shift but a whole dimensional change, if only one'd trust, and I'd just hope I won't forget too quickly, like I always do. Silly me.

It's just warmth, really. Warmth.

Ah well. I'm tired now. The whole day's been great and it's been fun. Thanks for making it memorable. the chummy ol' quek. lil' ben. strange wen en. intoxicating jeremy. ws and guoliang. thank you.
Okay the blog's rambling now. See you. tomorrow will be back to normal.

I'm in this weird state where dreams usurp real life: my dreams depict reality very strongly, and the rest of the time awake is left trying to clutch these dreams that appear but for a moment and then disappears. In other words I'm approaching a dream-like state of consciousness, where images are hazy and impressionistic, the keys are flat, and everything is in this approximation rather than requiring the burden of a concrete exact notion of everything.

There was even a dream where I wrote a song, in my sleep! There was even a tune, which I remembered had some As and some Gs, but unfortunately, I've forgotten the whole tune! Darn it. It'll have been pretty cool to be writing a song in your sleep. I really wanna record: heard the hotties' rendition of 'in my place' and the quality was quite outstanding really. Apparently they've got a new program in place, some digital recorder, and seriously everything's much clearer now. Oh well. Got a latest theory about why songs sound so different, perhaps its the instrument one uses to compose: piano songs tend to be more logical, and more interested in these logical chord progressions, with inversions, sequences, and the lot. Also probably the rhythms tend to be more regular, and the chord changes tend to be more frequent, with 2 chords in a bar, and perhaps with more repeated notes, that represent the piano pressing the notes. On the other hand, guitar songs tend to be more interested in riffs, in instrumentations, or in repeated chord progressions with more imaginative melodies fitting into the framework of the chord progressions that repeat. In other words, the distinct feature of a song written on guitar is probably the melody and all that, since the chord progressions are pretty much the usual guitar progressions you get around. I write most of my stuff on the guitar tho, and the tempos and everything are so, so different...
I have no idea what I'm writing, really...

I've turning 18 tomorrow, and chances are, it's gonna be a sucky day. i never enjoy my birthdays anyway, unless things happen to change so drmatically this time around. The fact is, you're so obsessed with trying to enjoy yourself that you try too hard, birthdays are such an arbitrary construct giving me so much pressure to want to enjoy it, which is ironic 'coz I never enjoy it. In fact I dont' think I've enjoyed any of my birthdays except for the singing and clapping hands and all that, 'cuz you want the day to be special and more often than not u're left disappointed. In fact I'd rather let life surprise me, to find joy in the most unusual of days, in this context. Like Wen en put it, "anticipation is often defeated by reality." quite true quite true. Life is ironic anyway. Its God's way of reminding us about our real place in the world in a humourous sense, I guess.


Oh and my pool's getting better, too. The secret, really, is to get behind the ball to shoot. Haha.

Listening to sun yanzi now. Chinese music and english music are again two totally different constructs, but that's another issue...

Instead of viewing rationality and religion as being opposed to each other, where we are gradually evolving into human reason being the highest level in a form of humanistic ideals, indeed both are really just ways of viewing the world, to understand it. They are different frameworks for us to work in: rationality asks us to question, to seek, to find answers in human methods, while religion teaches us to seek methods of the supernatural. It is a whole transplant of mindset, rather than a shift in perspective. After all the ancients didn't really care much for rationality and reason simply because they were not educated enough, and that's why they attached spiritual significance to objects: 'fetishism' in the terms of George Eliot, and soon came the organised religions, as we all know, like Christianity. Perhaps these new ideas signify the emergence of the human race as being able to lead and rule the order of the universe.

I am slightly doubtful if that can ever be a reality. The universe is just too complex and mysterious: there are just far too many things outside the realm of the human that we can't control at all, not to mention dictate. The recent SARS virus is a case in point. Weaknesses, fears, irrationality, all point to the fact that perhaps this 'humanism' based on the notion of the imperfect being is not as wonderful as it seems, an ideal though it may be. Why then are we so scared of death if we seem to rationally be able to control everything?

We can't. we're all fallible anyway, and the sooner we realise this the better. I've seen people become happy because they've realised the need for some spiritual order 'coz the rational humanistic order satisfies not the inner souls. And that's why God will never be dead, as Nietzche famously put it a century ago.

Human beings are social characters, living in a social world? Pawh, that's just stupid rubbish. At some times when we get all warm and cuddly and we need friends, of course, our feelings make it so, but where we realise most people can't see the same things you see [not equating to them being able to see less things] and your little joys can perhaps be taken from your own imaginery world of thoughts and feelings, perhaps we might become more clinical in dealing with the rest of society. Why do people talk anyway. Talk is just so cheap. We say some words to convey some things that we might never believe in, anyway. Where's all that real feeling gone to? I'm going to say the things I mean, even if they're not very nice. I realised I'm not a very nice person anyway. All that trivial 'Oh, no problem' and you know 'I don't mind' and all that rubbish can go to waste and it's all hogwash anyway. Can't people just say what they feel and what they mean? If I know the person I won't hold it against them since I know we all go through these little 'ups' and 'downs', but it's real irritating when people never mean what they say, and never say what they mean. It leaves me grasping in the dark and one has to waste much energy trying to decipher what they really mean when it could have been so much easier. And of course then you could never get it right, and then they'd expect you to involve yourself in polite conversation that is never honest anyway.

We have to commnicate, of course, but sometimes I'm amazed by the triviality of it all. The discussions that just flutter in through the little organ one'd call the ear processed loosely before fluttering out through another organ called the mouth. Not much thought goes through it, anyway. Maybe they're right, why must it be processed anyway. We're just a great party, eh. La la la let's put some flowers here and there flowers here and there. Grrr. I'm tired of that whole party thing, I want some real feelings, alright. All that superfluous fluff is nice at some points but real tiring after some time. Of course it's like what Jane Austen would say, but then these things never die, do they.

Bloddy hell. I'm thinking of what I can do to be nice when I'm not feeling nice at all, but I'm just too civic minded to bark at people, unless they really get on my back.

I have just started reading 'Long day's journey into the night' and I must admit am rather interested by the prospects of the play and hopefully it's emotionally touching. And of course I must admit I'm rather sick and tired, in the physical sense, having 2 econs lectures on consecutive days and no doubt perhaps that's the reason for the state that I am. And my house, especially after 6 o'clock is so noisy one can't get any sleep at all, even if one needs it so desperately, even more than I need some love. And so what can one do when the booming of voices loves drumming on your skull with uninspired rhythm?

This is probably the time where my self-belief flourishes into something you'd call contempt and a belief of my innate superiority, but of course it's weird when the rest of the time I hardly have any self-belief at all. It's very normal to think everything else is better than you, you need God coz you're so weak and all, and how in the world are you going to face up to all of that? But now I'm going to conquer the world and the rest of it sucks eh. I don't know I don't know. Maybe they don't, but now I couldn't care less I just want some meaning and an end to this flu.

I've decided to use entention for people to post some comments onto the blog, which I think is pretty useless since nobody visits this blog anyway. But it's useful i hope, for that occassional soul that wants to say something and deserves to be heard :-) I'm also using this for my website, perhaps.

I can't believe I got A B B so far for common tests! it was a presently nice surprise coz i thought i was going to die for math and history was quite alright, at least for paper 1 but you'd never know what surprises paper 3's gonna bring, of course. That was quite nice coz at the start i thought i was going to die coz i din have enough sleep and my whole body was a mess and it got worse with PE, huh.

Something about philosophy:
What I believe is just the truth: any theory and logic can really be argued for based on one's perspective, yet the only thing that matters is what is the truth in the universe. If God exists based on empirical evidence and my experience, than He exists: no ratinoal explaination for these religious beliefs can erode my view of the way life is. Sure, it is nice to believe human beings can prosper on their own, but is that really proven empirically, or issit just an assumption that people make based on their own utopian ideals of the world?

Spent life playing footie at the ACS(I) indoor court, and it was great stuff, save for some rugby coach who kept bugging us. Scored loads of goals, i think it was a hat trick, dont' remember, provided some, our offence kept it nice, fluent, sweet, and loads of goals, it was 10-3, but ah well it was quite an uneven matchup so it was a nice stroll in the park i guess?? The great thing about the indoor court is that the ball's extremely predictable, you can put spin on it, and dribble with spin, and all that, so it's much better than the stupid grass/sand patch that we call a field back in RJC. As i strolled out to the ac field it was all green grass, and that speaks volumes about the difference in our budget. The difference was more evident later on in the lounge, where there were 2 big billiard tables donated by old boys, presumably, and a pool table, by some Mr/Mrs tan or something, whereas back in RJ when the administration decided to ask all the 4-a-students to buy a seat for the gala dinner, there were just, zero responses. How sad is that? Perhaps AC guys are more loyal anyway, it's just something about the school.
Pool was quite fun and billiards was alright, the second game was nice at least i passed the 30-score mark, haha.
Am real shacked now, and real shocked Man U thrashed newcy 6-2. What a mess of a defence

Jamming was exhilarating, just like jumping up the ceiling, yeah!

The Hours struck me with its poignant, thoughtful storyline: it made me do one think movies haven't been able to do: think. The connections, the emotionally disturbed minds of the 3 females in the movie, and above all, the brilliant acting, especially from Julianne Moore and Kidman. It made me cry out so much since suicide is such a disturbing memory, and how does one banish the fear of doing something crazy with your life that you might regret? I'm so sorry for Leslie Cheung, and all the rest of it, for it is pure depression that haunts you and drives you there. Yet the movie ends of nicely: 'to stare life in the face' or something like that, which is a nice thing to take away from the cinema. Philip Glass's soundtrack was very nicely done, his repetitive style heightening the atmosphere and tension and the whole idea of being in confusion, in depression, nicely elucidated through the chord progressions that never seem to resolve, the repetitions that show the human struggle, and the movement of speed in the music. In the end why did Richard have to die. I hate heights, I'd tell you that. The Hours did one thing many shows can't. Making me see others for who they are, and having little fears and insecurities and many troubles, and that's why one has to be nicer to people around them.

It was nice to see everyone back in school on Wednesday: the bustling atmosphere of people talking and having fun was nice to just be in, and listen. Of course soccer played a role in making it fun 'cuz it was after a long while and I didn't play none too badly, i hope. din't really give the ball away. And finally I got a B for lit! Of all things! When you got a D for your promos you'd better hope you'd at least improve, and that was nice I guess. Thursday finally saw the end of the common tests with the history paper, which I'd admit was quite alright, French Rev was quite substantial and so probably was crisis, imperialism was so-so and source-based was a mess, but hopefully it turns out fine. I prayed about it, I know.

The funny thing was that yesterday's 'talk-with-God' session had an interesting point. My real worry walking out of that cinema that day was how to look forward to life, and what to base it on, you know, why do people go through suicides and stuff? it's so depressing, so tragic, painful, and instability sometimes grips me and I'm afraid of doing the wrong things. Yet Philippians said something about 'For me to live is Christ, to die is gain' and how people should live their life for Christ and base their foundation on Him, and particularly the writer wrote how she had to deal with the loss of her husband, or something. That parallel was just, you know, so strong, that 'coincidence', with the plight of the people in The Hours and myself sometimes. It couldn't have just been a chance thing. God's really talking to me, I hope, I think. Sigh. Nowadays the Daily Bread seems to have more messages to tell me, personally, which I think is real wonderful and a little scary too, I mean, it's just God's power that you know for something that is mass-produced it still has little snippets of real powerful information that is apt at your time and in your position to tell you something God wants to say. These few months are filled with these little personalized messages, and perhaps it's a step forward to take.

You know after the show little things strike you, you become more sensitive, and I was just recalling a song that I wrote years back, let's just say 2000, or something, the song 'Live for the end', about how we're all so trapped, and filled with pain, but then let's just live for something, for life, and it was just so apt, so cathartic, so important and real. It's amazing how songs that you write so long ago without any real meaning or thought behind it can really come back and strike you so hard with the fullness it deserves. It's scary, and it's not the first time. And all my old songs were so filled with all this stark misery and stuff, was it that pseudo-lit thing oh well, I realised my depressive streak is rather more forceful anyway.

I'm really quite apathetic today, coz maybe tomorow's back to school. Today's rather devoid of any strong emotions and has been spent on computer and history, really. can't wait to get back to school for the excitement, and the people. Yes, the people, the friends, even some of that studying. i can't believe i'm missing the teachers.

Had this really dream about cooking a meal for my future girlfriend (*coz maybe I don't have one now*), and it was some duck thing, i think, I was supposed to roast it or something and we had a discussion about how to cook it, whether to roast it to get a crispy skin as in the cookbook, or to chop it up into some delicious gastronomic delight but risk the failure of it all. I can't remember what I chose, but it was weird alright.

It's these little things, huh. Strange dream that was.

CG today was abt scheduling, which I thought was quite important, basically 'cause my life's in a limbo, all haphazard, the 2 week's break have been spent at the computer, at pool, at the guitar, etc., and on my way to cell I sort of realised that the important things are, God, music, schoolwork, friends/family, and the not-important thing would be warcraft and all that else, and doesn't one have to sort out his priorities? Interestingly enough cell was on that same topic and so maybe there's something about it, hmmz. pool was fun.
Oh well. i sorta realised that the people in cell are really true, good friends, 'cuz perhaps it was an organically formed group, and so we get along pretty well, and it's a group that can grow together and be a strong 'family' so to speak. Which is jolly nice, 'cuz everyone has a common goal, and there are common situations that we face and all that so getting together is probably easier. There's a good mix of girls and guys, of lows and highs, of stability and hysteria. great stuff.


Sigh.

you make me change so much, and I'm just so confused about who I am, do I really have to leave the garden?

All about keys:
Don't you realise that when you listen to the radio and try to play along the songs on your guitar/piano, the songs are always a little off, in slightly different frequencies? The truth of the matter is, often much of the material is not at 440Hz, defined as 'concert pitch'. Then really what is an A and what is a Bb? In fact, Handel used to tune his A to as low as 420Hz. And really, guitar songs tend to be sharper due to its sounding nicer when it's sharper, while piano songs tend to be relatively flatter, as the piano usually is a little flat due to the tuning mechanism. And really when songs are floating around in your head, there's always a definite key to that song itself. When I'm writing, there's a natural key for a certain song. It's interesting, isn't it. Since I've got bad ears, I'd take out the handphone, find the key using the 'composer', and scribble it down. Haha.
Eve Cassidy's 'Time after time' is a good song.

I'm going mad. I just had a conversation with myself, imagining myself to be a rock star being interviewed by the media. The question went something like that, 'you know, do you compare yourself to bands like Coldplay?' (I have a whole store of questions by now, actually) and I was like, 'you know, we all love to categorise bands into different categories for convenience's sake, and u know, like RHCP is funk-metal and Linkin-park is nu-metal, and Radiohead is melancholy Brit, but we're just ourselves (my band), you know we would call ourselves edgy, melodic, melancholic, you know, deep....' and I was espousing my band's principles, 'you know, every band connects with their audience in a slightly different way, and that's the important thing, when we write songs and release albums, we want every song to touch people in our way, and you know, in our albums, there's gonna be no fillers...That's our principle...even if we don't release albums for many years, so be it...'

I'm mad, like I told you.
On the lighter note, I've gotta finish writing lyrics for 'For you', and try to mug a little French Rev. Just stuffed myself on ben and jerry's, again, which means all the tennis calories are put back on again, but heck.

hey that's why debuts are always the artistes's best albums, coz maybe they've been writing for years just to get that debut out.

Just one question: Does one write music better when one is sleepy, in a little haze, like Jimi hendrix puts it 'Purple haze'? A drug spell, like Coleridge's 'Kublai Klan'? Or should we at least concentrate? Just to ponder...

Tired, real tired. Ben and jerry's ice cream is lovely, music is great, and the next song is going to be a better song than the previous one. That's the philosophy.

Boy, tired. hopefully arsenal wins. haha.

I don't know why but this life of online communication is disturbing indeed, and if that's the way the new technological generation is going to be, I'd rather not be in it. Simply put, the nuances are all gone. We could use all sorts of gestures, such as *wink*, or 'haha' as opposed to 'hahahahaa' to reflect a bit the way we are thinking/feeling, but it gives only a small picture of the way we really are. Of course this accusation of the internet as being 'fake' has been there since day 1, but it strikes me as how true that really is. I mean, when you're talking to an RGS person as opposed to an SCGS, or an MGS person, or an RI person from an AC person, you're talking worlds apart here, and over the internet, it all seems the same. It's mass production at work, and it's distasteful. And it's too bloddy convenient. People can seem happy when really they're crying inside, or rage when they're really quite happy. All that inauthencity is gone. Maybe they'll come up with video conferencing as a regular feature next time, but then I'll have another grouse. We shall see.

Oh and I just realised I was quite an 'early blogger', having had a blog since July 2001 or something when it came into fashion, at this page in Diaryland, but now I've moved to blogspot. Oh well. And now everyone's into this blog thing. It makes the net a lil' more interesting than it is already I suppose.

had some fun at darren's playing badminton and some more jamming. i'm really bored but this proved worthy of a little entertainment. I've been listening to lots of mariah carey and it's really such a pity she has descended to such a state, i mean, she was such a star, all her singles except 4 reached number one, and her voice on 'Vision of love' and all her early stuff was so good, and now it's just a thin wisp and filled with a nasal overtone. And sigh her new image is more sex-slave ala britney than anything, eroding her core MOR fan base, and not gaining any new ones either, 'coz she's probably too inauthentic for anyone's liking. And it's really really sad because her songs were good, especially 'one sweet day' which was really the song that made me start listening to english music, can u believe it, a crossover from cheena pop. Oh well. Been downloading disney songs as well, such as 'beauty and the beast' and 'under the sea', coz it's well, great melodies and great songs. Oh, well, i probably can't write something like that, but well, perhaps in 20 years time when I'm old and mature maybe i could. i hope.

Today was fun fun. Played some tennis, tho i really sucked. must've been something to do with my grip it keeps slipping out. went for lunch with daryl and michele before bunking off to quek's for some jamming and meeting up with ol' friends, and it was fun fun fun. Everyone's just so bored anyway it just takes a little spark to get it going. I wrote a lil' bridge for his song which is not bad and we recorded it with the acoustic guitars (Oh did I tell you I got my simon and patrick?...It's pretty cool stuff, nicely done and all that with great feel, and a bright clear tone esp on the high registers that's pretty sweet....)which was nice coz my S&P did a nice contrast with his Yamaha, his guitar supplying the lower edges while mine took care of the higher tinkles of the acoustic. jeremy also came along, we played a lil' warcraft, talked a lil' bit, good stuff good stuff. okay. need to do it more. need to study too. argh.

haha

Strains of melancholy are enveloping me again, a mixture of warmth, sadness and a bit of heartfelt longing. i need to wrap people up in cottton wool. I'm a complex lover with no one to love or to care for. I wanna take you back to those trees and that little garden, a paradise to call our own, where the grasses might even know our names. Unfortunately that you I long to whisk away is just a fragment of complicated me.
It's a pity, really.
There were no magical heights after all, were they? They were just an imagination of what might have become. If only.
It's rich, and intense, and laced with a bit of blackcurrent and all sorts of complex flavours that are mellow and earthly. It's that melancholy I need, those rich, dark, deep flavourings to accompany 'Autumn'. I need songs that are filled with the myriad of different colours that appear like flavours in wine in a song. Autumn has been described as having shades of 'orange and purple, breaking into green...' or something like that. Interesting... It's that intensity that keeps me going.

Am really exhausted, and a little ill, hopefully it isn't SARS. Yesterday and today have been really maniac, which is nice in a sense in comparison to the humdrum of thurs/fri. Yesterday was the music practise for today's service, when i was supposed to play the piano, for the first time, and after that it was cell, which was quite alright. it's always nice in some way. at least it was interactive. I got real pissed about something but after reading the Bible and praying things started to change. God has been absent in my life for quite a bit with all the computer games and it was nice I wanted Him back where He belongs. Ahhh. So after lots of prayer i guess i started wearing some qualities of God again. And He always seems to speak to me alot in my Quiet Time, when it suddenly hits me that what the book is saying is speaking to me directly, and is really actually telling me something about my own life, which is quite fascinating considering the book is published for a worldwide audience, and still remains so so relevant. It's amazing. Thank You. 'Obedience, not good intentions, matter'. Ahhh maybe that's right.

Got into a melancholic streak last night too, as I thought about the times I had, the missed opportunities, the longing, that yearning, for a strange scent of love, and all that rubbish that belonged, really, to my J1 year. All that melancholy and self-pity and all that. Heartbreaking stuff. That's why perhaps 'Autumn' resonated so strongly in my heart last year, with poor old lovelorn me. But that's a past now. The song is still a favourite, but then things have moved on. I have to grow spiritually now, and mature a little. things are in my hands. i wanna be happy. i wanna feel joy. And to love. And to love others. And to be loved. I want to know my Maker more and to love Him more, more often, not just sporadically in church and stuff. I guess it's possible, really?

But today was quite a whizz and a bang. It started off with my playing the piano in service, and thank God, everything went really well actually. My fingers were alright, i was playing near my best, you know the little nitty-gritties were ironed out relatively well (except one transistion but who cares), and i was relatively relaxed and not-so-nervous. Also the 'shawn' style seemed to flow out quite naturally. but well it was a tiring schedule, 3 medleys, with connectings for each of them. sigh....ah well. service.

Went to sentosa after that and it was quite a whirl too, wif the church friends. the sun was really hot and the sky all blue and clear, which made for a really hot day. we did volleyball, and ultimate frisbee, as well as paddling to the little raft in the middle of a lagoon for a little sun-tanning. was too hot, really, and i'm a little headachy now coz of the intense sun shining down on you the whole afternoon, but it was fun, nevertheless. An interesting point was the little posing we did under a particular coconut tree with Sam's digi-cam, trying to capture the sun on the person's face as well as the sky, almost like a professional photographer. it made us all look like hunks, even me. Now isn't that saying something.

Oh well i'm really tired now.
But hope everyone has a good holiday, and i betta not catch sars.=)

In a nice chatty mood now, I guess. It's a nice respite and I'm finding my wit back again, which corresponds to a return of the brain to start functioning again, triggered off by a shengwu post. thank you very much mr sheng. I'm talking sense now, at least. i wish wen en were here, he won't be complaining about my lack of definition in sentences for a long time.
it all feels a little surreal, doesn't it. i'm conditioned by my lack of interaction with people which is getting me a little upset, but then again i'm looking into myself now, out of necessity I guess. It's 'a quiet life', if you know what I mean. Perhaps it's more secure, but definitely, certainly, less exciting, less fun. Oh well. The pains we have to go through in life.

It's all a little surreal. walking along the streets not knowing if the person next to you has got SARS. maybe if it were a little serious we'd be looking for a 'cure for SARS' instead of a 'cure for AIDS'. when one sneezes, there creeps in that fear. we might even have to build a 1 m no-entry radius around ourselves if this goes on. What a life eh. I'm just wanting to get back to civilisation.

I'm stuck at home, trying to play 'god' in civilisation III, or the leader in warcraft III, and wringing my eyes dry, literally. it's boredom. it's a mess. i'm looking for people i can talk with but unfortunately all of them are stuck at home too.
hmmz maybe writing might help.
argh.

no school till 6th april, am i happy or what. actually somewhat, but actually perhaps i liked school. seeing and interacting with people instead of staying in this boring little house with no one really to talk to except through the internet, sad little me, or perhaps on the fone, no wonder i'd have chose to go to school, even if it means all the work. and the worse thing is, it's no free holiday, they're going to take away our june holidays! how sad is that? how sad is that? my parents are sorta very worried and they want me to stay at home, but i think i'll die. crap i need some way to get out.
wrote some rubbish in the toilet, pretty humourous
"i'm just a kid/ for goodness sakes'/ wouldn't u be worried/ if i were acting like i was fifty-six?"

There's just so much going on in the world right now. There's the iraq war that's killing everyone, coalition forces and Iraqi civilians, mothers are crying because their sons have been captured by Iraqi soldiers, not knowing that Iraqi mothers are crying because coalition forces have killed their sons. There's this SARS virus that floating around, a silent killer with no cure in sight and everyone's on the look out. And everyone gets discouraged. what's going on, what's going on.
We need salvation. We need salvation. The world around me's crumbling and we can stare at it fall to the down and crush like dust, and the only secure Rock is religion. God. Just to know we can walk through life fearing neither hailstorm nor mortar. It's these times when we turn to hymns. Rock of Ages, cleft for me. Let me hide myself in Thee. Amazing grace. And so on and son. It's the power of the hymn, to lift the souls from the troubles around, to see the Heavenly perspective indeed. To put away troubles, and sorrow. To wipe tears from eyes. We need salvation. we throw it away, we really do. why do I forget so easily? whyyy? It's grace, it really is, and I'm so happy and then I think, i'm happy, i don't need Him, and it goes back to misery, and I come back coz i'm sick of that misery, and then I'm so secure and things turn happy and joyful. Why must it go through this cycle? What's wrong with me just being forever secure and happy? Why must I be an individual? Why must I prove myself?? Am I that insecure?

Oh well God please help it's a crazy world we're living in it's gonna get crazier we thought the 1940s were crazy enough now we're never sure what's going to happen it's all up to You All up to You.

no school till 6th april, am i happy or what. actually somewhat, but actually perhaps i liked school. seeing and interacting with people instead of staying in this boring little house with no one really to talk to except through the internet, sad little me, or perhaps on the fone, no wonder i'd have chose to go to school, even if it means all the work. and the worse thing is, it's no free holiday, they're going to take away our june holidays! how sad is that? how sad is that? my parents are sorta very worried and they want me to stay at home, but i think i'll die. crap i need some way to get out.
wrote some rubbish in the toilet, pretty humourous
"i'm just a kid/ for goodness sakes'/ wouldn't u be worried/ if i were acting like i was fifty-six?"

There's just so much going on in the world right now. There's the iraq war that's killing everyone, coalition forces and Iraqi civilians, mothers are crying because their sons have been captured by Iraqi soldiers, not knowing that Iraqi mothers are crying because coalition forces have killed their sons. There's this SARS virus that floating around, a silent killer with no cure in sight and everyone's on the look out. And everyone gets discouraged. what's going on, what's going on.
We need salvation. We need salvation. The world around me's crumbling and we can stare at it fall to the down and crush like dust, and the only secure Rock is religion. God. Just to know we can walk through life fearing neither hailstorm nor mortar. It's these times when we turn to hymns. Rock of Ages, cleft for me. Let me hide myself in Thee. Amazing grace. And so on and son. It's the power of the hymn, to lift the souls from the troubles around, to see the Heavenly perspective indeed. To put away troubles, and sorrow. To wipe tears from eyes. We need salvation. we throw it away, we really do. why do I forget so easily? whyyy? It's grace, it really is, and I'm so happy and then I think, i'm happy, i don't need Him, and it goes back to misery, and I come back coz i'm sick of that misery, and then I'm so secure and things turn happy and joyful. Why must it go through this cycle? What's wrong with me just being forever secure and happy? Why must I be an individual? Why must I prove myself?? Am I that insecure?

Oh well God please help it's a crazy world we're living in it's gonna get crazier we thought the 1940s were crazy enough now we're never sure what's

had real fun on saturday just being me and playing ball in the pool and swimming. it's nice not to think. ah well.it was real good fun, the pure and simple. happy birthday esther. although it's a lil' late, i know. ah well.
Common tests have gone for about 2 days, having taken both lit and econs, i guess i'm a lil' worried for lit, especially the set texts and perhaps PC, well you'd never know, it's lit after all and I've never gotten above a B for lit, except for that B+ from Ms Lim which might have probably been a sympathy mark. ah well. econs was alright and i think i did quite alright for the case study though the essay was a lil' short on time, but that's the way life is. wrote two songs today which i found both pretty good stuff on the bus on the way back, one musicalish and one rock-pop but both in Ab, don't ask me why. yesterday also yielded a chicago-like song that came after watching the Oscars in e morning. Yeah. today that's what i did too, and it was real nice. chicago and all. ahhhh....love that musical song and dance.

but now i'm a wreck, the day's so pissin hot and I'm so damn sweaty it can kill. crap i need the air-conditioning. it's a sweltering heat made worse by the humidity of a swamp and i'm feeling stupid now. physical body's killing me. it's surprising how different an afternoon can make from the state where you're great, happy and fresh and so eager to see everyone, from being a wreck. life's a nice roller-coaster and just listen to what Ronan says: u'd just gotta ride it.

hmmz. seems like we all post on blogs when we're unhappy eh. or else we're out there enjoying the moments and savouring what bits of memories we can garner for ourselves.

oh well i might believe in love once again. there's something nice about seeing people as individuals with needs and longings and souls and feelings and all that and to reach out and bring them into your arms. to hug them. to seek out the good in all of us. i might once again believe in building the good in others, that's so conspicuously gone in the swirl of rock and my obsessions and desires. i might relook my life.
the problem is, so many things don't go the way i wanted it to go, but perhaps there's no reason why I can't bring back my philosophy on life which I used to know and the happiness and treasure of being nice and being with people and taking care of emotions and all and being involved again. there was a distant period, i'd admit, when everything was a warm fuzz and i'm just there dreaming and being passive, and looking at musicals and all that, in a world of your own. what i did for love, and all that jazz. its over now. this is back to reality. this is back to the people that I know. the people that matter. this is back to feelings that are familiar. i can't write a musicalish song because I didn't live in that era. it speaks to me only vaguely. i'm not familiar with all of it. i must go back. i must go back.

this is reality. this is life.

there's a time when boredom just kills you: that time is now. the US is bombing iraq and I couldn't care less.

well hello everybody. my brain's a-frying, it can't absorb anything, which is pretty bad. really. i mean perhaps its the influence of rock music and listening to cooper temple clause on the MTV which was pretty cool and trying to write a great broadway musical song in the mould of a gershwin or something, you know, that obsession, and still not getting it right, yet. at least not as good as i'd hoped. it took the whole day and i'm tired. i've been downloading stuff from 'Chicago', which I found really brilliant, hilarious and fun at the same time, its fun, 'All that jazz', and stuff. been writing a bit of that kinda music with the jazz influences which i've sorta missed out on, and I'm trying my hand at writing something like 'what i did for love' from 'a chorus line' and 'some enchanted evening', but to no avail. Ah well. The need for some of these experiences, I'd suppose. oh well. my hols have been spent at home, at guitar, with a few friends doing some activities that dont;' seem fun at all due to that immense pressure of common tests next week. ah well.
what a life.